internal exam

Today I was trying to get some academic work done at school with my little guy. All he wanted to do was look at his Book of Dangerous Creatures. He kept saying, "Monsters come!" in his scariest voice. As we were doing spelling, "Monsters come!" As we were doing matching, "Monsters come!" Math - "Monsters come!" When we were done our work and he finally got to look at the book he kept growling to himself as he flipped the pages, studying each terrifying animal to the greatest extent.

I try not to bore everyone with my lack-of-baby-blues. I mean, people can take whining for only so long. When it drags on for years I kind of figure no one wants to hear about it anymore. But it's just so frustrating to be babyless STILL.

And now we're having tests done. Invasive tests. Tests that hurt and make me think that its not fair that this is something we have to endure while so many others don't. And we've already been through so much that others are spared from.

Monsters come.

Or when I hear people complain about a challenge they're facing in parenting and bemoan the fact that they just don't want to do it anymore. And that ugly part of me rages because I would give almost anything to be in their shoes, facing those challenges.

Monsters come.

Or when I see my siblings raising their kids all together and how the cousins will be so close. And as my sisters take springtimes walks together with their babies I crumple inside because I want to be there with them and it's not the same being an auntie as it is being a mommy.

I can hear the monsters outside. They're coming for me.

And we have results we're waiting for and more appointments and I'm sure there will be many more tests. And I don't know if I have the strength to make a race for the light switch.

I might just hide in the dark and hope the monsters pass.

7 comments:

Krista said...

No more monsters, God. Just babies. Please.

Much love to you.

pamero said...

And when I think I know anything about anything, I think of you and of why you don't yet have your baby with you and I realize I don't know one single thing in the wide universe except maybe that I can just love you.

Kimberly Oost said...

I got frustrated with feeding Aaliyah yesterday and walked away from her in a huff. I was aware of you then. If I had a million dollars...

Court said...

As I was reading this I remembered the scene in LOTR in the mines of Moria where Gandolf confronts the Balrog before he falls into shadow. The words, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" keep playing through my mind.

You can stand up to this monster. And even if you fall into shadow for a while, you will emerge transformed. Stronger, wiser and more radiant.

I wish there were more I could do, but for now I will echo the others and say I love you because that is something I can do.

I love you Corrie!

Anonymous said...

I weep a little for you because I remember many of the same kind of feelings and thoughts. Those monsters some times still rear their ugly heads now that I have past the time where mommyhood will ever be a part of my life. I only share this to let you know I really do understand but also echo your sister's comments, all I can do to help is love you and pray.

Marja

Mom said...

Corrie, my Corrie!! How my heart breaks for you :) I would do anything, give up anything just so our Lord
God would bless you both with children. I have already
prayed to Him many times trying to bargain with Him on your behalf. You will make it to the "light switch before the monster come" !! I know this as you are my Corrie who God loves and upholds you in His Hands and shelters you under His wings. May you feel God's
protection and love surround you and uphold you right this moment :) Love, love , love, hugs and more hugs
and tears just for you and Daryl.

Anonymous said...

I am praying that Easter Sunday is a-comin'. You've had enough
Good Friday, time for Easter.

ccap