I'm not sure how to write this post. I don't know what to include and what to leave out, or how to share my heart without just having it burst all over everyone. So read on, knowing that my heart is still very tender but I wanted to share the continuation of our journey with you all.

Last Monday or Tuesday (January 25th or 26th) our baby's heart stopped beating. We went for an appointment with our mid-wife on the Tuesday and when she couldn't hear the heartbeat we went to the hospital where they performed an ultra-sound and confirmed that his heart had stopped. We decided to be admitted right away so that I could be induced that night.

A few things:
1. We had just been talking to our mid-wife that very day about skipping the normal pre-natal classes and having some one on one lessons with her to avoid further heartache of being in a class with happy, expectant parents. We never got those lessons.
2. We had both assumed that because the baby was so small the birth (if it happened in the next little while) would be more like a miscarriage than a delivery. Our midwife informed us that we were mistaken and it would be a full-on labour and delivery. Because he was smaller the pushing might be easier but up until that point it would be labour as usual.

So, we sat in the hospital room, in shock, not sure what to even expect or how we would handle it. I was induced at 8pm Tuesday and by 8am Wednesday was having regular contractions about 10 minutes apart. Emmanuel was born at 1:31pm January 27, he was 8.5 inches long and weighed 13 oz.

We got to see him and hold him and explore his tiny little body. He had the cutest chin and nose, tiny, dimpled elbows and the most perfect tiny feet I have ever seen. He even had toenails on his toes. Beforehand we had been afraid we wouldn't be able to see past all the problems his little body struggled with but more than anything what we saw was our baby son. And he was fearfully and wonderfully made.

We were so thankful to have our moms there with us and our family. They held him and cooed over him and just reassured us that he mattered and was important, not only to us as his parents but in our larger family as well. Daryl jokes that he was afraid he'd do something wrong but was such a support and comfort to me I don't know what I would have done without him there, pre-natal training or not.

We were also thankful to have our midwife there who was exactly what we wanted for the birth. The nurses and doctors at the hospital were just wonderful, too. So kind and gentle with us and our baby.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers, not only through the pregnancy but as we continue this journey of recovery and grief. I have felt more than once that more than our hearts were breaking in this situation, and thank you for your emails of encouragement and love.