Why, oh, why am I reading Angels and Demons? If you read it and liked it, I apologize for what is to come, but if you're like me and you read it, you spent most of the time choking back sarcasm and rolling your eyes. How did Dan Brown get so popular? I heard that Angels and Demons was better than The Da Vinci Code and so I picked it up at a second hand store for three dollars. Now I'm wondering why I bothered. So, in honour of Angels and Demons and Dan Brown, a list.

Why This Book Sucks:

1. After a (much too lengthy) description of the Hassassins and how their name became synonymous with death "in almost every language on earth" he starts a new line to shock us with how the name is pronounced today as... wait for it... assassin. SHOCKING! I almost dropped the book, I was that taken by surprise.

2. How many times can Dan Brown allude the the fact that his main character is claustrophobic without actually using the word? I'm waiting, in eager anticipation, for him to reveal it at the climax of the book somewhere deep underground. I can't wait to hear all the sordid details.

3. Dan Brown wrote a lot of physicist humour into the novel, which I guess makes sense because they're in a huge lab with hundreds of scientists but part of me actually thinks that he just wanted to show off. As in "Look at me, I'm smart enough to understand scientists jokes!" When I picture Dan Brown I picture someone who was never really popular in highschool and it really bothered him and he's still trying to prove that he's cool.

4. This alone almost made me shut the book and hurl it away from me with as much force as I could muster:
"Landgon watched her, suddenly concerned. Is she okay? He glanced at Kohler, who appeared unfazed, appparently having seen this ritual before. Ten seconds passed before Vittoria opened her eyes.
Langdon could not believe the metamorphosis. Vittoria Vetra had been transformed."

Wow. That is some great writing. And SO believable. I want to be Vittoria Vetra.

5. Dan Brown used the word "staggering" to describe two separate buildings in the same paragraph. Where was his editor?

6. The main character has mentioned no less than five times in the first hundred pages how old he feels. Worried about something, Danny? Tell us what's really on your mind.

7. There's nothing worse than an American writing about anti-american sentiment and acting like he understands it and is okay with it. That's so American.

8. So far the main character, I mean, Langdon (I can never remember his name for some reason) (oh wait, it's probably because I don't care) has made it to Switzerland and Italy without needing a passport because the scientists have an "arrangement." As-puking-if.

9. Another line from the mind of a genius:
"Langdon had already decided that Vittoria's form-fitting shorts and blouse were not bulging anywhere they shouldn't have been."
A. Pervert B. I've never seen a European woman wear shorts in Europe. Except maybe short pants that could be short-like but never "form-fitting shorts." What an idiot. Shorts are very North American and apparently Dan Brown's fantasy.

10. As my sister pointed out when she read it, every chapter ends with a cliffhanger. It gets very tiring after a while.

So, why am I still reading this book? Your guess is as good as mine...