oh, my sweet heavens

Why, oh, why am I reading Angels and Demons? If you read it and liked it, I apologize for what is to come, but if you're like me and you read it, you spent most of the time choking back sarcasm and rolling your eyes. How did Dan Brown get so popular? I heard that Angels and Demons was better than The Da Vinci Code and so I picked it up at a second hand store for three dollars. Now I'm wondering why I bothered. So, in honour of Angels and Demons and Dan Brown, a list.

Why This Book Sucks:

1. After a (much too lengthy) description of the Hassassins and how their name became synonymous with death "in almost every language on earth" he starts a new line to shock us with how the name is pronounced today as... wait for it... assassin. SHOCKING! I almost dropped the book, I was that taken by surprise.

2. How many times can Dan Brown allude the the fact that his main character is claustrophobic without actually using the word? I'm waiting, in eager anticipation, for him to reveal it at the climax of the book somewhere deep underground. I can't wait to hear all the sordid details.

3. Dan Brown wrote a lot of physicist humour into the novel, which I guess makes sense because they're in a huge lab with hundreds of scientists but part of me actually thinks that he just wanted to show off. As in "Look at me, I'm smart enough to understand scientists jokes!" When I picture Dan Brown I picture someone who was never really popular in highschool and it really bothered him and he's still trying to prove that he's cool.

4. This alone almost made me shut the book and hurl it away from me with as much force as I could muster:
"Landgon watched her, suddenly concerned. Is she okay? He glanced at Kohler, who appeared unfazed, appparently having seen this ritual before. Ten seconds passed before Vittoria opened her eyes.
Langdon could not believe the metamorphosis. Vittoria Vetra had been transformed."

Wow. That is some great writing. And SO believable. I want to be Vittoria Vetra.

5. Dan Brown used the word "staggering" to describe two separate buildings in the same paragraph. Where was his editor?

6. The main character has mentioned no less than five times in the first hundred pages how old he feels. Worried about something, Danny? Tell us what's really on your mind.

7. There's nothing worse than an American writing about anti-american sentiment and acting like he understands it and is okay with it. That's so American.

8. So far the main character, I mean, Langdon (I can never remember his name for some reason) (oh wait, it's probably because I don't care) has made it to Switzerland and Italy without needing a passport because the scientists have an "arrangement." As-puking-if.

9. Another line from the mind of a genius:
"Langdon had already decided that Vittoria's form-fitting shorts and blouse were not bulging anywhere they shouldn't have been."
A. Pervert B. I've never seen a European woman wear shorts in Europe. Except maybe short pants that could be short-like but never "form-fitting shorts." What an idiot. Shorts are very North American and apparently Dan Brown's fantasy.

10. As my sister pointed out when she read it, every chapter ends with a cliffhanger. It gets very tiring after a while.

So, why am I still reading this book? Your guess is as good as mine...


pamero said...

Yah, the funny thing is, if you are one of the apparent 'few' left on the earth who didn't read 'The Davinci Code'(like me), I think that A & D is meant to make you want to read it. But it just made me want to wait until I forgot how painfully bad the writing was and wait until I am d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e for some bad summer reading at the cabin. Maybe, MAYBE, then I'll read it. Nice list by the way.
Dead on every point.

Michael said...

So, I shouldn't put Angels and Demons on my course next year?

Michele said...

did i not warn you about this book? i thought i had sent a warning to all my friends.
stay tuned for the movie... something else to avoid.

Michele said...

i must say, however. i'm glad you read it because your writing about it is brilliant, staggering, even.

Anonymous said...

Good one, Michele. (with the staggering)

Okay, my concern is that your sister apparently disliked it and STILL you read it. I don't get it. If you're that hard up for literature I've got several bookshelves waiting for you.


corrie said...

Sweet Suffering Hannah. Can you imagine studying this book in a literature course? I think I'd start crying, right in the middle of class, if I saw it on the syllabus.

Michael said...

Now I HAVE to put it on. I've always wanted to make students cry.

Daryl said...

Well I think I'm going against the grain here when I say that I love Dan Brown. Oh, wait, I'm thinking Dan Bern. Dan Brown... I love him the way valley girls love fat people: easy targets for ridicule to make one feel superior.

I'm loving the Orange Sky. Kudos. Dan Bern on the 29th, are you in?

corrie said...

Hey, Daryl, thanks for the cd... I've been listening to it and it's very entertaining. I still haven't decided about the concert, though. It might be worth it just to meet the person I've never met who sends me cds... : )

Kathryn said...

I have to admit, I found "Angels and Demons" hard to put down. The writing wasn't great but it made for half decent thriller. My bigger beef is that "The DaVinci Code" is SOOO similar that I found it boring to read.