Lately I've been getting a very strong urge to shave my head again. And, Pam, don't roll your eyes at me for bringing it up again. I know it annoys you.

It's just that whenever I start to feel insecure or out of control or insignificant it makes me so happy to shave all my hair off. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I like challenging the idea of traditional beauty.

Maybe it's because I hate fussing with my hair and when I grow it out I have to fuss with it A LOT.

Maybe it's because it gives me a sense of control over something, as little as it is.

Maybe it's because when I make a major decision I feel like I need to mark it with a symbolic act.

Maybe it's because when I struggle with something and want to show God my obedience and respect it seems like the largest non-permanent offering I can make.

Maybe I just want to stand out in some way.

In class today we were talking about the value of a woman's hair (in reference to "The Rape of the Lock" by Alexander Pope) and how it represents beauty and all kinds of stuff. When that hair is cut off how does a woman find value? When they start to lose their hair it's a major deal for most men. Nothing can put me in a bad mood for the entire day like a bad hair day. Prisoners often have their heads shaved to strip them of their sense of identity.

Isn't it funny how much hair can mean to us and define us?

I think what it comes down to is that I like that feeling of being stripped away. When I have no (or very little) hair I remember who I am more easily. Does that make sense? I feel more like me. I don't feel like I have to primp and make myself presentable. I just am. And when I'm not fussing about what others will think when they see me and my hair I can focus more easily, and do focus more readily, on how God sees me all the time.

Someone had better take my sissors away...