too harsh?

I was just putting my contacts in and had a very strong feeling of trauma. I'm not sure why, but it suddenly struck me that something traumatic happened to me recently and I need time to recover from it. With a flash of realization it occured to me what it was. Tinkertown, two boys, whatwillwedowednesday? This past wednesday as part of our daycamp we took 31 kids and nine leaders to tinkertown, a typically fun place for kids to hang out. In my group were five really great kids and two boys who I honestly never want to see again in my life. In all fairness, it had been building up for five wednesdays, not just this past wednesday. I feel like spending the day with them damaged my psyche or tore ragged strips out of my soul or something. And I'm completely serious. I admit, I lost it with them on more than one occasion and spoke more harshly with them than I would ever dream of speaking with any other children. And I mean any other children in the world. Wednesday night I went over to my parents to drop off their van and I sat at the table, a little shell shocked and said that I needed something, but I didn't know what. Going out for supper helped, having a shoulder rub helped, but I needed some kind of balm for the soul. For God to tell me I'm not an awful person for despising two little boys more than I despise any other children or ever have. For now, I guess it will be enough that I'm out of their whining, complaining, penis grabbing, baby talking presence. And I'll spend the next little while licking my wounds.

6 comments:

Michele said...

dear dear corrie

ccap said...

Oh man. I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I wish you didn't have a stupid wedding tonight (I know, how do I know it's stupid?) and we could go out. Oh well, maybe next week.

Heather said...

Heartbreaking. Sorry. Sometimes I wonder how you can keep pouring your heart out for kids. I hope there are at least some tangible rewards, because a day like that must make you want to run and hide. No one would blame you.

Accidental Poet said...

I'm leaving this comment because having nothing to say is no reason not to say it ...

Linda said...

The love, patience and compassion that you show for almost every child I have seen you with has always inspired me. You are a good person.

Joyce said...

I soooooooooooooooooooo get what you are saying. It's a horrible feeling to dislike a child. You are not alone. You are not evil.