tiny shoot

Do you ever have one of those moments when you're making something and you just have so much doubt that it's actually going to work? Like, baking something new, trying a recipe for the first time, learning a new skill? And the whole time all you can think is, "why am I even doing this? It's probably not even going to turn out the way I want." But you still go ahead because you have this crazy hope that maybe it will turn out as well in real life as it is in your mind.

That was me and these pillows.

I had the idea to make them (from a photo I saw on pinterest) for a wedding shower for a couple I just so wanted to celebrate with. I'm so happy for their upcoming wedding, just thrilled, really, and I really, really wanted to make something that would reflect that.

So, I found a font, printed up the templates, cut out the letters, ironed the stencils on to the pillows, and painted away. The whole time thinking it wasn't going to work, it wouldn't be as cute as it was in my mind.

After the paint was dry and before I peeled off the freezer paper stencil I looked at Daryl and said, "You realize if these look hokey and homemade we still have to go out and buy a gift before the shower, right?" That's how sure I was that my expectations wouldn't be met.

But lo and behold, I peeled off the stencils and they were... so cute! I loved them. And I was so proud to give them as a gift.

I couldn't help but think this small creative endeavour parallelled the much bigger act of creation taking place in my womb. I have been so full of doubt, so sure something will go wrong with this pregnancy it's sometimes easier to believe there won't be a real, live baby at the end of it all.

Yet, this crazy hope lives. So I try to eat well, get plenty of exercise and sleep, read other women's stories of conceiving after babyloss, and listen to daily joyful pregnancy affirmations (which might sound crazy to you but I can't even tell you how reassuring it is to hear someone say "my baby is safe and healthy inside of me and my body knows just how to take care of my baby" even if it is just a recording of some stranger's voice).

I don't think I'll ever feel confident during this pregnancy. And that's okay with me. As long as this tiny, green shoot of hope lives it's enough for me.

Maybe I should stencil that on a pillow.