baby blues

 

I got this tattoo in the mail when we ordered some new tests online. Last time we ordered we got a tattoo that said Good Luck! and had a picture of a ladybug on it. I thought it was cute and was excited to think that we might be pregnant soon! 

Three prescriptions and a few more tests later, I didn't find this tattoo so cute or get excited. As I was back at the pharmacy filling my prescription for the third drug in six months the pharmacist packaged it up for me, smiled, and said, "Good luck!" as I paid and left. 

I know he meant well, just like the online company was trying to be cheery and positive, but I felt like crying. I realized I just don't feel happy or cheerful or giddy thinking about pregnancy. It feels like a lost cause. It feels like a heavy weight I carry with me all the time. It feels like something that happens for everyone else but not for us. 

And I know people will still tell us good luck and that they'll mean well but in my head I'll be telling them back that I don't believe in luck anymore.  



3 comments:

Accidental Poet said...

Oh sweetie. I so hear you.
Praying for you.

Mom said...

Do we dare to believe in miracles?

Valerie Ruth said...

I so remember this. I would get mad at the always pads with the cover on the sticky part that said "have a happy period"

Eventually we succeeded with IVF (but jeepers, it's pricey!)