supposed confessions of a sensitive mind

january 27, 2010

2012-01-27T14:45:00.001-06:00

We had a quiet dinner on the 26th, just the two of us and spent some time talking about where we were two years ago. How hard it was to be in the hospital, how we wanted everything to be over but never wanted it to really be the end.

We talked about how the whole experience profoundly changed us. How we love each other differently, deeper, how we are glad we had each other through the whole thing. We talked about what helped get us through, what impacted us when we were feeling so beaten.

It's hard to believe it was two years ago. Next year will be three, then five, then ten. I wonder if it will always feel like it was just yesterday.

a little early but...

2012-01-17T15:24:00.003-06:00

You know I love you when I offer you a bite of my cadbury creme egg. And for the record, I've only done that once.

Last night I had my first creme egg of the season. I know Easter is still ages away but I couldn't resist. It was my treat for the weekend but I put it away and forgot about it, so it became a treat for Monday.

I know they're not everyone's cup of tea, but I luuuuuurrve them. The creamy milk chocolate... the sweet runny inside... delish! There are even several recipes out there for Cadbury creme eggs. Deep fried creme egg, cupcakes with an entire creme egg baked inside, creme eggs benedict, creme egg cheesecake, creme brulegg, creme egg cookies... even recipes how to make them yourself. Not that I'll be trying any of those soon, I prefer mine served right out of the tinfoil with popcorn on the side and plenty of water. But it doesn't matter how you like to serve it, you know it's good when even Jesus loves it.

So, creme egg, thanks for the Monday night treat. Now I need to find a way to get my hands on the 2.5 kg version...

corrie hearts spaghetti squash (big time)

2012-01-09T15:39:00.005-06:00

I absolutely positively cannot get enough spaghetti squash into my body via my mouth. (ummm... not that I've tried any other route...) Ohmygoodness I love it so.

First I started with spaghetti squash with meat sauce, like traditional spaghetti is served. I loved it so much the next few times I made it I used chopped up and cooked tomatoes with a few herbs and spices thrown in. Now I forgo any trying to dress it up and eat it just as is, cooked with garlic, shredded and topped with salt and pepper. If I'm feeling crazy I'll throw some butter on top, but most times not.

It's so delicious my mouth is watering just thinking about it. And I've already had a huge serving for lunch.

Next google search: is too much spaghetti squash bad for you?

someone had way too much fun with the photo booth...

2012-01-06T11:18:00.007-06:00

... and it was me.

I TOTALLY forgot to put Becky and Tom's wedding on my favourite things list. That was dumb of me. One of the year's highlights for sure.

I took way too many photos in the photo booth. Is that actually possible? If someone hires a photo booth for the night (per your idea) and then says, "have at it" can you really over use it? I think not.

And the funny thing is, when I opened the scanner to scan the photos Becky and Tom's were still inside from making their thank you cards. Ha ha! So I included one of theirs, too.

My favourites? The one of all us sisters (why is Kim's neck all you see of her in those two photos?), the one with Melodie (can you guess which is our monster pose, which is our princess pose, and which is our surprised pose?), and the one of Daryl and I getting progressively more tipsy.

Good fun.

ps. Yes, that's shot of me licking Daryl's face. I didn't mean for it to get caught on camera. What I meant to happen was for his grossed out face to get caught on camera. It didn't. He didn't even realize I licked his face until he saw the photo. Then he got grossed out. But we weren't in the photo booth anymore.

new year's roundup

2012-01-02T10:41:00.010-06:00

So, 12 favourite things from 2011:

1. The day Daryl came home to me. By far the best day of 2011. No more month long trips up north, please!

(did I tell you guys that while Daryl was away I went to his family gathering and was spontaneously asked to give an update for Daryl and I? In front of his somewhat conservative Mennonite extended family I stood up and tried to explain why I was there but Daryl wasn't. It went something like this: "Well, Daryl and I are separated right now...(recognize my blunder by the shocked looks on his relatives faces and spend the next five minutes trying to convince everyone that we're not separated separated and are, in fact, very much in love and have a great marriage.)" At least Daryl's siblings thought it was funny. I'm sure everyone else is praying for us now. )

2. Cooking together. We're good at it and we love being in the kitchen together. And we love eating. Perfect all around.

3. My job. I know I don't talk about it a lot on my blog, but I love my job. It's only as a sub but I've been working pretty much full time since the beginning of the school year. It works well for the full time EAs to have someone they can call who knows the students and knows the routines. And it works well for me. The highlight of the school year in 2011 was the Christmas party we had just before the break when the students exchanged dollar store gifts with each other. You'd think they all got x-boxes they were so thrilled with the gifts.

4. No vacations. Sounds like an odd thing to be a favourite, and we intended to take a road trip out east but decided to save our money FOR A TRIP TO CUBA!!! Hooray! So I will happily put no holidays as one of my favourite things in 2011 because it allowed for what will be one of my favourite things in 2012! Yay!

5. Being a thriftaholic. Guys, I am seriously addicted to thrift shopping.

(one of my favourite thrift finds - the cutest fabric art ever)

We went real shopping the other day (buying second hand swimsuits is just a no-no) and I could not believe what people pay for new clothes. I hardly even go thrift shopping anymore unless they're having a 50% off sale, let alone paying $27.00 for a t-shirt (!!!!) And my new favourite thing to shop for at second hand stores? Fabric. I hit the motherlode at MCC out in Steinbach. Which leads me to...

6. My sewing machine. If Daryl hadn't convinced me it would be a good buy (not even second hand!!!!) it would have remained in my brain bank as an I'd-like-to-get-that-someday idea. But we bought it and, though I make no claims to be a decent sewer, I love messing around with it sewing things and making crafts. And I'm planning on making some beach coverup kind of shirts for Cuba with the material I got at MCC. I'll let you know how it goes...

7. Snuggling on the couch. Nothing makes my day better than having a good snuggle and watching tv. Doesn't matter how lousy it's been or how hard the next day will be, snuggling keeps me in the moment and makes life happier.

8. Nieces and nephews. We have the best kids ever in our family. I love them to bits and last year I decided it was my right as their aunt to get to spoil them. Whether it's treats in my bag, postcards through the mail, making crafts together, or reading endless amounts of books with them I love showing them love.

9. Our newest nephew.

Oscar gets his own because he's so new. It doesn't matter that he's a cranky pants or that he threw his mother's body into an endless tailspin, he's just wonderful.

10. Canoe trips. I just love getting out on the water, cooking over a fire, gazing up at the sky crowded with stars, swatting at bugs, going mad with biting flies... kay, not so much the last two, but it's still worth getting out there and feeling everything melt away. There's nothing else like it in the whole world.

11. My new table.

My dad made it for me for Christmas. I love it. It's nice and skinny and nobody's bumping their hips on it as they walk by. And it means I have two new drawers (which are at a premium in our house) and I can rearrange a few things and be more organized. Notice the nativity set on top? It was a gift from my mom one year for Christmas, too. Isn't it beautiful? And the straw looking thing is a candle holder Kim and I made for Thanksgiving and the photo is one taken when I was just a wee baby with Kurt and my dad is holding me looking at me with such love. Also one of my favourites.

12. My Daryl.

What can I say? He makes me laugh like no one else can. He makes life shinier. He was worth waiting for. Even if it's just the two of us for the rest of our days I wouldn't trade him for anything.

bread and circuses

2011-12-28T18:38:00.003-06:00

We had a fun Christmas. A full, loud, joyful, Christmas filled with families. We had laughter and games and cooking together and eating together, but there were also moments of peace and silence and chatting and heart to hearts. What a blessing family is.

And now we're home. And the best part of being home is that we both have time off. And the best part of Daryl having time off is that he bakes the most delicious bread. Last night we had a round loaf made out of baguette dough and cooked in Daryl's new bread cloche. Tonight it's pita bread. Some cooked in the frying pan some cooked on the bbq.

I'll let you know which wins.

c'mon!

2011-12-17T11:40:00.002-06:00

ANOTHER coldsore?!?! I just had one a few weeks ago!

Seriously, body, can we work together on this? How 'bout I love you and take care of you and get lots of sleep and take my vitamines and you don't give me cold sores, kay?

Oh wait. I already do those things.

Well, body, I guess you're just a jerk, then.

roll up your sleeves and dig in

2011-12-13T22:01:00.003-06:00

What do you do when your little sister is back in the hospital and there's not a blasted thing you can do to help her get better faster?

You pull everything out of your fridge and give it the cleaning of it's lifetime.

You tidy your kitchen and bathrooms.

You throw in loads of laundry.

You call and beg them that if they need anything, anything at all they will call even if it's the middle of the night.

You pull out several recipes and bake and cook and bake.

You pray with all your might that they'll figure out how to help her and we'll have our old spunky, snarky Pam back and that soon we'll enjoy gingersnaps together and maybe, just maybe they can finally start being a family together.

christmas is coming!

2011-12-06T11:39:00.004-06:00

Well, it's been kinda crazy in the Van A family life lately. Crazy and tiring. I can't even imagine how tired the new mom and dad are. Pam, Don and little Oscar are trying to adjust to being at home now but something always seems to come up to prevent them from totally settling. Poor guys. But Oscar is simply wonderful. Totally gorgeous. Absolutely sweet. Can you tell I'm smitten? I think we all are.

So, between visits to the hospital and making meals and trying to give the new mom and dad a bit of a break it's been a little busy for all of us.

But!

I finally got the tree up and the garland made and hung. Hooray! It's starting to feel more Christmassy around here. And I do love Christmas.

I love a nice, simple tree. Honestly, after I put on the lights sometimes I just toy with the idea of leaving it like that. Beautiful tree, pretty lights. But then I see all my star ornaments and want to hang them up. I kinda have a thing for stars and seem to collect more of them each year.
You can see just the top of the creche peaking out from under the tree. Oh, and my "presents." I'm not that ahead of the game, they're just for looks : )

I absolutely LOVE our fireplace. It's what sold me on our condo when we bought it. We've had such cozy evenings curled up next to it, roasting hotdogs and marshmallows. I even tried roasting chestnuts one year. Yummy, but it ruined my pan. I thought cast iron was okay to stick in the fire! So here you have our mantle. We don't hang stockings but I do put up little advent treats every year. This year I sewed up little wrapping paper packages and stitched them onto some twine. I think they look super sweet! You may remember that idea from this post. This time I made shapes of stockings and mittens and stars (and one bell that didn't really look so hot, I guess being lazy and freehand sewing has it's drawbacks). So glad I finally got to make more of them. They're frickin' adorable! Nieces and nephews beware! You'll probably get a bunch of these at Christmas!

And finally our french doors leading out to the sun room. So pretty, they just call out to me to make garland and hang it. I tried a different way of making the garland this year. It worked pretty well, I think. My hands were super sappy and covered in green dye (sad to say) but it washed up really well. The secret I discovered when I started making fresh garland? Vim. Totally works. It's a little hard on your skin, but as someone who HATES sticky hands and fingers it's a relief. And before anyone comments about just wearing gloves, I tried. They just get in the way when doing all the wiring.

A close up of the garland. My mom gave me these ornaments years ago and I still love them. I love how they look drippy, especially with the beads.

So, now that most of the decorating is done it's time to get all those gifts made! Fire up the sewing machine! Sharpen those scissors! We've got some work to do!

fun with moustaches, fun with sisters

2011-11-27T18:44:00.003-06:00

Fun with sisters with moustaches!

Ha ha, I found these great cookie cutters and had to whip some up some cookies to share.

Many thanks to my models. If you guys ever decide to grow moustaches you'll look fabulous : )

on a less preachy note

2011-11-15T22:46:00.008-06:00

When Daryl and I were dating he did all sorts of sweet little things for me... bought me a poinsettia, baked me cookies, made me pizza, walked through -30 weather to leave little notes on my door while I was at work. And I ate it up.

"Enjoy it" my two favourite friends said. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

"Oh, I think Daryl's different," I actually said to them with these words coming out of my own mouth. "I think he'll still be doing all these little things even once we're married. "

Oh, Corrie, you're sweet but so, so dumb.

I found myself saying to Daryl while on the phone with him while he's away tonight, "...and, because I don't think you've picked up on any of my hints in the past... any kind of a little gift will do. I'm even talking tic-tacs kind of a little gift." He laughed sheepishly.

I don't know why I need a little gift. It's not like I don't know he loves me. It's not like we don't get to spend lots of time together. All I know is that when he gives me a gift (not even something extravagant - I beamed over the two containers of 50% off yogurt he got me, you'd have thought they were matching diamond earrings) something inside of me lights up.

And I love that he can make me feel that way like no one else.

lest we forget

2011-11-11T13:15:00.004-06:00

I am so afraid that Remembrance Day will become a thing of the past. I'm afraid that in a few years it will be a short one minute of silent remembrance in an otherwise busy day. Years ago I was speaking to an American friend on November 11 and she had no idea that it was even a holiday. Then she thought about it and said, "Oh, right, I think it is Veterans' Day, or something today." People, she was an elementary teacher at the time. It broke my heart a little bit.

I don't want Canada to go that route. I want us to take time to remember the men and woman who fought for our country. I want us to continue to wear poppies and honour them with wreaths and services. I don't want to forget the cost they paid. I don't want to forget about the wounds they suffered, the lives they gave, the shell shock they endured. My Grandma was just telling me about the nightmares my Grandpa had when they first got married. How he would wake in the night, terrified. How he would never talk about it.

For the last four years we've gone to a service on Valour Road. It's near our house and I like going to what was formerly Pine St. and remembering the soldiers who lived on that street. And I'm so proud that in the last four years attendance has tripled.

If you don't know the story of the Pine Street Boys. They made a heritage minute about them several years ago. What they don't mention in the video is that since the inception of the Victoria Cross in 1856 it's only been awarded 1356 times and only 14 Manitobans have received it. Amazing that three of them lived within a block of each other. Believed to be the only case where three recipients have lived on the same street. That is something to be proud of. And to remember.

I will continue to go to Remembrance Day services and to insist, that in our family, Remembrance Day is not a day to go to the mall, go to movies, go out to eat. It's a sacred day. Let's keep it that way.

They shall grow not old,
as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them,
nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun
and in the morning
We will remember them.

We will remember them.

giving thanks

2011-10-17T17:45:00.003-05:00

We had a beautiful thanksgiving weekend out at the cottage. The weather was incredible, just right for taking long walks, skipping stones, and picking poison ivy berries (ouchie-mama for everyone who came down with it, sorry about making everyone pick those pretty, white berries... who knew?) Of course the highlight was the kids... and the meal... andtherakingandthe playingofgamesandthepiesandandand... too many highlights!

The girls had fun playing outside on the swings ("spin me, spin me!"). And I had fun spinning them and then making them walk, he he.

And jumping in the leaves. Not so much jumping as just walking into, but it's a good start.

Some of our Thanksgiving decorations that so many people paid the price for. They're especially beautiful knowing that so many of you itched and oozed for them : (

The evening ended with a fire out back and laughter and talking and the singing of many songs (Five little ducks went out to play, over the hills and far away...) I love this shot of Melodie with two of her many uncles.

I hope Christmas is just as good. After all, we'll have two new, little people to impress!

*photos all thanks to Justin. You all know I'd never remember to take our camera out for Thanksgiving!

now that's a birthday party!

2011-10-12T12:05:00.005-05:00

Poor Daryl. If you remember this post you will remember that the poor boy didn't get much of a birthday seeing as his mouth was a gaping hole of... well, we don't need to remember that part... And we said that when he felt up to it we'd go out for a delicious meal and celebrate both our birthdays. Well, Daryl had an even better idea. Steven and Andrew's steaks. (the store is actually called something else now, but to us they'll forever be Steven and Andrew's steaks). These steaks are so good, the first time we had them we decided we'd never go out for steak again. THEY'RE THAT GOOD. They're also a bit pricey. But not as pricey as they'd be in a restaurant. Sooooo goooood. So, we invited some friends over and finally had a birthday party for Daryl. I'm such a bad wife I didn't even put candles in his jello to celebrate a little bit so I felt like I owed him.

First things first. Decorations. I just happened to have Becky's leftover wedding flags that I sewed for her so up they went. (wouldn't they look even cuter with Happy Birthday letters on them? I might save that for a winter project).

Next Daryl used his new baguette pan to bake some a-moh-zing baguette. He said he needs to practice pinching off the bottom, but I like the baguette bum. This baguette bum was enjoyed with brie and havarti and Irish guinness cheddar and olives and tiny pickled onions... oh... my mouth is watering...

Steaks? Check. Delicious steaks? Check Check. Steaks so good they make Corrie want to cry? Check Check Check Check Check. It's kind of pathetic, but I am SUCH a meat lover.

Don't forget a cake! Or in this case a chocolate cheesecake flan. Yummy. But it turned out more like a cheesecake without the crust. Still delicious but not very flan-ny. And in this photo it kind of looks like dog-youknowwhat, but trust me. Delicious. (ps. those are my new melamine appy plates. Aren't they adorable? I got them half price at Safeway. No more wasting a plate for a muffin or piece of toast!)

And finally, who can have a birthday party without treat bags? Or in this case paper stars stuffed with candies? I think that will turn into a Christmas craft for the kiddies. So cute!

Add some wine and great friends and you've got a birthday party worthy of my favourite guy.

And the best part is we used the leftover baguette for what we like to call brulee french toast. But I added lots of sugar this morning and they turned out pretty brulee and smokey. But still tasty as allgetout.

And the best best part is we still have baguette and steak left. I'm thinking steak sandwiches for supper tonight. And that makes me think of Steak Me Home Tonight which makes me think of my new favourite show, Happy Endings which just happens to be on tonight! Hooray!

Let the festivities continue!

*and just in case you suspect we're lying about having friends and have simply imagined them up it's just 'cause, true to form, we didn't take a single photo last night so I had a fun morning of staging everything and having a photo shoot. Time well wasted...

if only...

2011-10-02T10:44:00.000-05:00

Why can't mice be more like little elves? Like the elves and the shoemaker. They sneak in, do some work and leave, happy.

Then, if I saw a mouse running across my kitchen I wouldn't be frustrated wondering what on earth else we can do to try to keep them out*, I would giggle, wondering if my fridge would be newly cleaned in the morning.

*I haven't seen any mice recently (knock on wood) it seems our major hole plug did the trick. That is, until this nice weather abates and they're looking for somewhere warm again...

words I woke to

2011-09-25T16:03:00.002-05:00

It's rigged - everything, in your favour.

So there is nothing to worry about.

Is there some position you want,

some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,

maybe two, maybe three, maybe four - all at once,

maybe a relationship

with

God?

I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it

the wonderment of the earth's gifts you will lay

aside as naturally as does

a child a

doll.

But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal;

comfort, fulfill yourself in any way possible - do that until

you ache, until you ache,

then come to me

again.

-Rumi

guess who had a birthday!

2011-09-20T15:35:00.003-05:00

And guess who spent his whole birthday painting our kitchen? Whatta guy!

Kay, now guess who didn't even lift one single paintbrush (even though it was her husband's birthday) and, instead, sat on the couch eating olives? Any guesses?

We didn't do a lot because Daryl just had a molar and a wisdom tooth out so his mouth wasn't really up to a fancy meal. Instead we enjoyed poutine from La Poutinerie (it's nice and soft and melty) and went to a rather bizarre movie (Drive... very strange). We'll probably end up celebrating both our birthdays somewhere a bit swanker (and without strange movies, although, I can't guarantee it). He did get the rather thoughtful gifts of an artisan bread baking book (from Pam and Don) and a baguette pan (who would have thought I could store an idea away in my mind and actually retrieve it at the right moment! Usually the thought is retrieved two weeks too late.) It's kind of like the gift that keeps on giving, I give Daryl some bread pans and he bakes me bread. I like it.

Oh! And guess which lemons finally made it into lemonade?

Just in time to celebrate our new, citrus coloured walls! Delicious!

september summer

2011-09-08T15:33:00.004-05:00

What beautiful weather we're having, it's like summer is never going to end! I wish...

And so a photo list of my favourite summer things on this September summer day:

Yup. My clothesline. My dad made it for me. "Don't fall over the edge while you're hanging things" he kindly warned me. But then added that the clothesline would catch me. Nice.

Sweet, sweet watermelon. Doesn't this one look just like candy? Sooo good.

Oh, canvas green shoes, how I love you. I'm sorry my toe nail is cutting a hole through you. Every time I wear these I feel like I should be at a clam bake in Cape Cod!*

My other shoes that I love. I just got them at super store for $4.98! Aren't they a great colour**? And I love them with my favourite summer dress...

My shoes don't love me back though. I had a huge blister from walking in them. Thankfully Nicole had a bandaid I could use and it just happened to compliment the shoes. I always try to match my bandaids to my outfit.***

My lemons brightly waiting to be squeezed into lemonade. But they're so pretty I might just wait a couple of days : )

*Don't like clams and have never been to Cape Cod, just sounds like a place and activity that my shoes belong at.
**Notice my anklet? It was made for my by Naomi, just out of the blue. I love those kinds of gifts.
***Not really.

wah! my brain is dead!

2011-09-07T11:12:00.005-05:00

Does anyone else get dead brain from looking up too many children's crafts? I seriously think looking at kid's crafts online has turned my brain into melted goo. I can't feel it anymore. In looking for "Abraham and Sarah" crafts I found myself caught up in this. What is it? I'm not completely sure. But I'm pretty sure I just spent half an hour looking at some random Jewish people's conservative wedding. Congrats, you two. L'Chaim!

I also found this doozy.

What the what? Who would want to make this little catastrophe? I'm sure as heck that Abraham and Sarah wouldn't have wanted to live in a tent that ugly. The good news is that they soaked the paper towel in glue so that it stiffens properly. Great. Now Junior can poke out his eye on the way home from Sunday School with his godawful tent.

Sigh... I think I still have to find, like, a kabillion more crafts for this series...

Maybe I'll just give the kids a pile of dirt and tell them to be happy.

there's a name for what I am

2011-08-29T17:05:00.005-05:00

And it's not a bad one. I just realized that I'm an upcycler. Or a refashioner (refashionista?), if you will. I have never liked following patterns or taking the time to properly learn something. I'm more of a jump in with both feet kinda girl (oh good heavens, not in real life, though... just when it comes to making crafty things) If I can't do something my way the first time and get great results then I'm not even going to try. So I thought I wasn't a real... anything, really.

Turns out there are lots of people out there like me. People who sew without bothering with patterns (just trace around a shirt that fits you well). People who like combing through thrift stores to find something that they can turn into something else. People who look at one thing and see something else. DIYers who see something they like somewhere and think, "I could make that!" People who take something that was and make something that is.

So, I've had fun, realizing this is a real thing. I'm allowed to do it, I don't have to follow the rules or learn the proper way. This is the proper way, for me. I've been making skirts and pants and crafts and gifts. It's been fun.

And here are a few samples of what I've made, minus some skirts (made out of t-shirts and super cute bedsheets) that I didn't think to take photos of before I gave them away to little girls, and some bird mobiles (made from fabric scraps and twigs that I picked up during a walk) that I made for gifts. But you get the idea. Refashioning is fun!

A pair of Ninja Turtle pants that I made for Becky who has a crazy love for TMNT. Made them out of a couple of extra large t-shirts and now they don't fit Becky. I should have know, she's not an extra large anything! Anyway, now I have to figure out a lazy way of taking them in that doesn't involve totally undoing everything... good luck with that, corrie.

My skirt that is oh-so-comfortable that I made out of t-shirts.

Shopping bags that I made (you guessed it) out of t-shirts. Bee tee dubs, the best time to buy t-shirts at a thrift store is when they have a bag sale or 50% off day. I totally scored these ones on Friday. Who wouldn't want to go grocery shopping with these stylish bags to carry your purchases home in?

These are some journals that I made (or have not quite finished making) out of old children's books. I love the covers, and the best part is that I saved some of the really great pictures inside and dispersed them throughout the new pages. They're so cute. I love 'em. (Thanks for helping me with this one, Justin!)

Anyway, it's nice to know there are other (much more talented) people out there. I'm not lazy, I just do things my own way.

I'm not cheap, I'm just upcycling : )

he's home!

2011-08-17T10:40:00.002-05:00

He's home! He's home! After twenty-five days he finally came home to me!

I ran down the three flights of stairs as soon as I heard his car door close and leapt into his arms! I would have skipped all the running down stairs and simply dove the three flights into his arms if I thought he would have survived it, but I decided to play it safe...

Ahhhhh... my love is home. Safe and sound.

i'm not the only one...

2011-08-14T15:13:00.002-05:00

... enjoying Daryl's flowers. This is one of Justin's newly emerged Monarchs resting from the strenuous effort of breaking through it's chrysalis. What an amazing process, thanks for bringing them over so I could see them emerge, Schell family!

on the other hand

2011-08-11T13:54:00.005-05:00

I did get these beautiful flowers from Daryl. He said he was online looking at what different stores had to offer and nothing was right, so thoughtfully got our good friend to put together a bouquet for me. He was right, nothing could compare to one of Cathie's bouquet.

Included was a poem (he certainly knows the way to my heart, that boy) and a message: I am coming home soon.

I am besotted.

whine

2011-08-11T09:59:00.002-05:00

My tea tastes gross and my porridge didn't turn out and while my porridge was busy not turning out it also boiled over while I was outside taking down the laundry before the rain starts and I had to wave at the fire alarm so the smoke from all the burnt milk didn't set it off and wake up my grandma and now I'm late for a meeting.

Sigh.

And I miss Daryl.

message to my love

2011-07-29T22:30:00.004-05:00

Day seven.

Sigh....

Seven whole days and many more to go.

I didn't think I took him for granted so I didn't expect that this time apart would make us realize our undying love for each other, or just how important all those little things are. I already knew. I already know.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but does it also make the heart grow sucky-baby-er? 'Cause let me tell you. I'm ready for this to be over now.

Thanks, but I'm done.

Send my husband back to me.

the photos are nice, the flies were not

2011-07-28T11:56:00.002-05:00

joy

2011-07-04T10:55:00.004-05:00

I let the air out of the air mattress and it deflated quicker than I thought it would. I opened the valve, turned my back for a moment and it was done. The air was gone. One minute there was a bed between the futon and the rocking chair and the next there is just a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor. Like the grave clothes in the empty tomb.

Pam and Kim slept on the air mattress beside Becky and I on the futon. One last night of giggling and whispering and teasing and singing and storytelling and then it was the morning of Becky's wedding day.

It was a beautiful day. The most beautiful day. The joy was almost tangible and everyone present was on a natural high that comes from being near two people so in love and happy with one another.

And I didn't cry. Not even once. I grinned like an idiot as I walked down the aisle. One-two, one-two. Not too quickly, not too slowly. Seeing the faces of everyone who had gathered. Everyone who loves Becky and Tom. One-two, one-two. The moment they had been waiting for so excitedly and anxiously was here. One-two, one-two. Big grin, but no tears.

Now I sit in my quiet home that was so full of my sisters' laughs and hurry and bustle to get ready for the wedding and I sit next to the air mattress and life feels... deflated... somehow. And I know it's the lack of sleep over the last week, and the busyness of the weekend, and the sore throat that is creeping up on me, but the tears come. The wedding is over. My baby sister is married. She who never entered a room quietly, whose owies I kissed, whose high fives I was offered for every small accomplishment, who hugged me so ferociously with her skinny little arms, whose nightmares I smoothed from her sweaty, worried, little brow, who wrote me notes (Corrie, I love you as much as I love the rainbow) that I still keep, and who still looks across the table at me with that mischievous look in her eye and that wicked grin on her face.

And they're only gone for a week and I will see them both at folk fest next weekend, but the wedding is over and I don't know how to fill my time.

So I will sit here and reminisce about my skinny, little Becky and the beautiful woman she has become, and how someday I will sing her favourite songs to her children and how maybe they will write me notes, too.

busy days

2011-06-14T11:09:00.003-05:00

Any chance someone wants to be me for the next week or so while all this busyness happens and then I can take my life back once it's over?

Anyone, anyone?

tea and tim tams

2011-05-30T16:44:00.004-05:00

Don't find I have a lot to say lately, hence, no change in post for awhile. I've read a few books, seen a few movies, spent May long at the cottage. I'm working more and more, bought a sewing machine, have gone on some good walks through the woods. Lots is happening, but still, no post.

I love tea. I love that once in a while you get a pot of tea that was scalded just right, steeped just so, and, as you sip from your cup, it hits a tea loving spot that you forgot was there until the perfect pot came along.

I think my thoughts are steeping right now.

Should be a good, dark, satisfying cup along any time now.

what the?

2011-05-15T16:14:00.003-05:00

I see this billboard on my way home from work every day. Every time I drove by it I was like, "what is THAT about?" Thinking it was some kind of radio discussion or some kind of sad crazy Manitoban church sect had put them up. Then I saw them on The Colbert Report! They're all over North America! And the people who put them up really believe that the world as we know it will end on May 21! What the what? Their leader has "calculated" the date and is making it his mission to let everyone know.

The funny thing is that right after that segment we saw a trailer for the second hangover movie, but it comes out May 26... I guess we won't be seeing that one...

good day

2011-04-29T15:51:00.011-05:00

My day started off watching The Wedding. I had the pvr set up to record it but in the back of my mind I thought, "Well, if I wake up at five and feel like it I'll watch it live..." Cue my brain to wake me up at 4:58am. (I don't know how it does it. I just know that I can tell my brain to wake me up and it does it. Once in a while there are exceptions and I sleep in but for the most part I can wake up whenever I want. I'll even wake up a few minutes before my alarm goes off if I've set it. Weird. But not really the point.) I decided it was worth it to get up and lie on the couch and enjoy watching the wedding in the dark of a Winnipeg morning. And it was, I had fun. I admit to loving the royals. I remember the hullabaloo surrounding Princess Di's wedding and I loved her. Loved her. So I figured I would kick myself if I slept through it.

However, today also marks another wedding. Two years ago Daryl and I exchanged our own vows and have adored each other every day since. So, to mark our own wedded bliss we spent the day going on a hike:

Enjoying the scenery:

Sharing a picnic:

And finishing off with a cookie toast:

What a joy to get to share my life with my best friend and love...

good enough to eat

2011-04-23T15:13:00.003-05:00

I started off with an idea I saw for little easter treats for all the nieces and nephews. But the dollar store let me down and I had to try a completely different approach. However, they still turned out looking fresh from the garden! And full of all sorts of tasty candies!

This is my sort of craft. A kind of jumbled, hard to explain how I got there, but still ends up looking cute, sort of craft : )

a walk in the park

2011-04-21T09:20:00.004-05:00

Sunday wasn't the nicest of days, but that didn't stop Daryl and I from heading over to Kildonan Park and enjoying a brisk walk in the gloom. Halfway through, the sun came out for one brief moment and I said, "Quick! Take a photo with your phone! We have to prove to people that we do more than just stay at home and eat!"

And here you are, proof that we're not totally lazy.

expletive deleted

2011-04-07T10:43:00.003-05:00

I have this new job, kay, I've only done one day so far but I really enjoyed it and was looking forward to going back. It's as a substitute EA at a jr. high school with special needs kids. It's a great program with a great staff and really great kids. I worked one day and then it was spring break.

Here's how it works: I register on the automated system and then I get a phone call between 6am and 8am letting me know that they need a sub that day. Sounds simple enough.

Well, first I had trouble even registering on the system. You're supposed to use your employee number for both the sign-in name and the password, and then once you're on the system you can change your password. It wouldn't accept my employee number. Called the help desk and left a message. DIdn't get back to me. Tried again. And again. Nothing. Tried again an hour later and it worked. Strange, but whatever, and I never did get a call back from the help desk.

So, yesterday after not getting a call all week I thought I should just check my profile and make sure I had the right settings and schedule to receive phone calls, maybe *I* had set up something wrong? The system wouldn't let me on. I tried a variation of my new password. Nope. I tried every variation I could think of. Nope. Now, not being the most brilliant person at remembering passwords or security questions (see here for an example) I looked around for a "password help" button to have my password sent to me, but no button. I called the help desk and left a message. I refreshed the page to try again and lo and behold! it took me to a completely different sign-in page! What the what?! So I asked for password help and it sent my password to my inbox. Well, look at that, it was exactly the same password that I'd just been trying! Punched it in the new page and voila! I was in. All my settings were correct, so I assumed it's because everyone's just had a week off that no one is taking time off. Three hours later the help desk lady calls me back.

Now, this morning. 6:30am I get a phone call. Hooray! Daryl gets to the phone before I do (I got tangled up in the curtain trying to retrieve my glasses from the window ledge...) and passes it to me. I dutifully enter my employee number and it asks for my password. I confidently enter it. Invalid. What? I enter my employee number as maybe the phone system hasn't caught up to the online system. Invalid. I enter my password again. It hangs up on me! I madly get to the computer to see if there's a way I can accept the job online. Everything works for once and I do a job search and there it is! The job I've just received a call for and would love to accept, but I can't accept online because the system is doing calls, so try again later.

ARRRRGGHH!

I call the help desk. I get the answering machine and don't even bother leaving a message. By the time she gets back to me it'll be too late. I check online again, the job is still posted so I search frantically for a way to accept it online. Can't find anything. Check again, the job is gone. It's been accepted by someone else who the system actually likes.

How frustrating. Daryl and I head back to bed where I lie awake at the point of tears. I FINALLY get a call and I can't accept it!

Please, please, please automated system, can you just get things together so I can go to work?

daryl says...

2011-03-28T13:05:00.002-05:00

...when we're lying in bed falling asleep that he can tell if my eyes are open or closed because he can hear them.

I guess I've got some noisy eyelashes...

well, that's cute!

2011-03-21T15:52:00.003-05:00

So, this is a card and head band I made for my niece's 1st birthday. I sat down not really knowing what I would do, just played around with some felt and thread and look what happened! I'm so pleased with them.

They're still not as cute as she is, though!

the bluest blue could be my nails

2011-03-15T15:52:00.001-05:00

My currently electric blue fingernails courtesy of Jae at the GNF retreat.

bah humbug

2011-03-07T15:28:00.002-06:00

Tried a new recipe today, spiced pumpkin loaf. I was going to halve it but since I had lots of pumpkin to use up (I had opened a can a week ago and wanted to finish it) decided to make the full recipe keeping one loaf for myself and giving one loaf away.

Sorry, person who I was going to share my baking with. Won't be happening. I pulled it out of the oven twenty minutes early because it was getting that "too cooked" smell. Did the press-touch test and it wasn't too far off from fully cooked, so turned the oven off and left the loaves inside to cook just a little bit longer.

Just opened the oven, now, to check on them and they have totally fallen flat! The bottoms are over cooked and the inside is undercooked! What the what?

Maybe the recipe had the oven temperature wrong? Aren't most breads cooked at 350?

Nothing like a huge fail to make you feel like a 10 year old novice again...

pub night

2011-03-04T15:48:00.004-06:00

So... not the healthiest meal ever but pub style fish and chips are so delicious! Or, in our case, pub style beer battered *chicken* and chips. Fish is not our favourite in this household. The batter turned out a little dark, but was so tasty! And nothing beats homemade chips. Yum yum yum.

date night (corrie and daryl style)

2011-03-01T12:47:00.003-06:00

We had a date night a couple of weeks ago. We used a gift certificate my dad had given me for Christmas and went out for supper. It was nice. When the meal was over I pulled out my Safeway flyer and began to circle the things that we were on our way to buy. Grocery shopping as date night. The bill came and there were no mints with the cheque. Disappointing. I pulled out the bag of scotch mints I just happened to have in my bag and we each took one. Then we left.

It struck me that Date Night looked a lot like regular nights for us. We don't often go out for supper, but we enjoy making food and eating together. We usually go grocery shopping together. And one of us is always finding small treats to share with the other.

I like it. I like that our lives sometimes feel like one, big date. Talking, laughing, finding out more about the other, asking questions, enjoying common interests, finding ways to show that we care.

And I know people will say, "When you have kids that will change" or "life doesn't always stay that way" or "you've only been married two years, give it time." But I don't care.

This is who we are, and I like us.

update

2011-02-23T16:51:00.002-06:00

The hot tub was wonderful. Sadly, I have no photos to post because we didn't take our camera and anytime anyone was in the hot tub I was also in it and not close to a camera.

But, we drank slurpees, enjoyed some beautiful winter days and nights, and laughed and chatted with some wonderful people.

We might have to make it a yearly tradition!

if you have perpetually cold hands and feet you might understand this post

2011-02-18T10:22:00.003-06:00

I am a cold person. "Cold hands, warm heart!" I've heard on more than several occasions. My hot water bottle was my constant winter companion until I got married. Now Daryl lets me put my cold hands and feet on his warm skin to warm up. Even though I know he's going to gasp at how cold they are, I greedily absorb his warmth.

It ends this weekend.

We're staying at my parents' this weekend while they're out of town and... WE RENTED A HOT TUB!

I'm so excited! This is an excitement that Daryl introduced me to. I used to group sitting in a hot tub along with taking a bath. Gross... why would you want to sit in your own dead skin cells and hairs that came loose and stew? But then I sat in a hot tub on a cold day. Wonderful. You stay warm for hours and hours after you get out. No hot water bottles required. No slippers with bean bags that you warm up in the microwave and then tuck onto your feet. No electric blankets. No heat packs for my mittens. Just warmth.

I can hardly wait.

what I want to eat but won't

2011-02-10T15:53:00.001-06:00

I mean, probably. Probably won't. Sigh.

when did fortune cookies get so bossy?

2011-02-04T09:54:00.002-06:00

january twenty seventh two thousand ten

2011-01-27T09:48:00.002-06:00

One year ago today heaven became achingly real to me. My body hurt, my arms were empty, and even my husband's arms around me couldn't make the fact that our baby was gone any less horrible.

One day, in a state of blinding pain, I cried out to God to show me our son, show me that he is whole and complete and perfect now. I saw a boat in my mind and found myself in the boat with Jesus. I had been there before and I knew the familiar lapping of the waves against the prow. We were pointed out to sea and I knew, I KNEW that Emmanuel was across the great waters, just over the horizon. I wanted to see him so badly, to see him as he is now, to be awed by his heavenly body and know that his broken, earthly body was not who he is, not who he was meant to be. But the boat was anchored. The waves continued to lap and I wept for the separation, deep wrenching sobs shaking my body. "Not yet" Jesus said to me with such love, such compassion, I still get goosebumps remembering. "Not yet."

Today I woke up to a world of delicate lace - hoar frost covering every possible surface. You might remember this post from last year and why hoar frost is so significant to me on this, of all days.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Maybe it's ego-centric to imagine that God would cover our city in hoar frost, today, just for me.

But maybe that's just what it is. And maybe, after weeks of a returning darkness and pain, God wanted me to hear again, "Don't look at that. Look at me."

Maybe heaven isn't so far away.

yummy

2011-01-21T15:41:00.007-06:00

Oh boy. What does it say when the home cooked meals Daryl and I share are the most exciting thing in my life right now?

That being said. Check out this beauty.

I had some stewing beef but didn't want to make stew so found a recipe for Italian Shredded Beef Sandwiches. I worried and checked on it the entire three hours it was cooking because, well, I don't have the best track record with cooking beef. I shouldn't have worried, it was DELICOUS! And because it had a three hour cooking time I decided to whip up some buns to eat it on. Now, Daryl's the bread maker in our family but, I have to say, my buns turned out pretty darn good for a first try at making bread. Daryl got these leftovers for lunch the next day. Yum, yum, yum.

corrie talks to god and god talks to corrie

2011-01-19T16:24:00.006-06:00

c: Are you there?

g: Yep.

c: You sure?

g: I'm still here.

c: I'm sorry I'm so prickly lately.

g: I can fit between the prickles just fine.

c: I'm sorry I called you a jerk the other day.

g: That's okay. I'd rather you talk to me than not.

c: I'm not doing so well these days.

g: I know.

c: It hurts a lot again.

g: I know.

c: Can I just be selfish for a while and stay with Daryl where it's safe?

g: Sure.

c: Do I have to be nice to people?

g: Yes.

c: Even when I'm in a bad mood and just want to be at home under a blanket and sleep until things get better again?

g: Yes.

c: Can I eat a lot of junky foods and be lazy?

g: Will that make you feel better?

c: No.

g: Then don't do it.

c: I don't know what to do or how to make things better.

g: I do. Just rest your mind for awhile.

c: I'm not so good at that.

g: I know, but you'll learn.

c: Hey, God?

g: Yep.

c: Do you think you could inspire Daryl to make more of those Yorkshire puddings for supper again tonight?

g: I think I just did.

lunch

2011-01-12T15:47:00.003-06:00

Yum, yum, yum.

This is what I got to take for lunch today. Chickpea, cauliflower, and tofu curry.

We cooked it together last night, made a bit of a mess, had a bit of a laughing fit that resulted in someone getting someone else's spit right in their mouth, then mad wiping and more laughing. We do love our chickpea curry and throw in whatever veggies and spices are handy so it's different every time. I found the greatest recipe for brown rice that comes out perfect and fluffy everytime (yes! fluffy brown rice!) and Daryl has pretty much *perfected* the art of naan making. I'm not sure what I loved more, the curry or the naan, but it was particularly delicious last night.

And as I polished off my leftovers for lunch today at work, it was like an edible hug and I thought of how much fun we have cooking together and laughing together and how lucky am I to be living this life?

Pretty darn, that's for sure.

december twenty-ninth two thousand and nine

2010-12-29T15:16:00.002-06:00

I lay there with his arms wrapped around me
so tightly
that I thought maybe he was holding
all the pieces of my heart together.
And for a time I knew that I could let go
of all those tiny pieces without worrying
that I could never fit them together again.

For a time, I let him hold me,
and hold the world,
together.

women: you know who you are

2010-12-11T09:06:00.002-06:00

In response to a recent posting and comments on a blog that shall not be named by women who shall not be named.

if only the day had more hours (and I had more energy)

2010-11-24T16:42:00.005-06:00

Man, oh, man, do I ever have an exciting post all planned out in my head. It will probably be the most exciting post I've ever posted on my blog. Ever. Photos, funny quips, and a glimpse into The Unseen and Terribly Thrilling Life of Corrie.

Yah. I also have to make a bajillion little glove critters for nieces and nephews, nine Christmas presents, VERY EXCITING Christmas cards, and must, MUST try to keep my house somewhat neat and tidy and keep all my craft stuff from taking over. (my recurring thought is, "what if my mom walked in here and saw my home like this? I can't have that, she mustn't be sad at Christmastime!")

Long story short: no time for aforementioned exciting post.

Sorry.

if i weren't so tired i'd have a good title

2010-11-17T17:19:00.002-06:00

Is there some kind of illness I could have that is making me so tired?

I'm tired when I wake up. I'm tired while I work. I'm tired when I sit down and have my lunch. I'm tired on the walk home from work. I'm tired when I'm making supper. I'm tired when I'm at meetings or out with friends or sitting on the couch watching a movie. I'm tired when I got to bed and inexplicably can't sleep for 45 minutes to an hour.

I'm sick of it.

Life seems like it's one thing keeping me from my bed after another.

Could it be Dengue Fever? I don't even know what that is, it just seems exotic and like a good excuse for being so tired all the time.

thanks are in order

2010-11-08T17:42:00.002-06:00

To the anonymous donor of the halloween kisses and candy corn waiting for me in my mailbox at GNF on Sunday...

Many thanks.

You brought a smile to my face and made my November : )

disgust

2010-11-01T16:50:00.002-05:00

What kind of store does not carry halloween kisses and candy corn at Halloween?!

Superstore. That's who.

I was so looking forward to my yearly fix! Instead I had to make do with caramels and chewy pumpkins.

Sigh... Halloween just wasn't the same for me...

ohhhh... boy

2010-10-26T16:29:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited.

Yesterday I was sick so just hung out after work on the couch looking online for gift ideas for Christmas. Yes, I was on the couch for several hours. And, YES, I found lots of GREAT ideas for home-made presents!

I'm so excited!!!

love is...

2010-10-18T14:11:00.002-05:00

only being a little bit resentful when you have to work a double shift today until 11pm and still get up the next day to be at work at 8am while your dear husband is off watching movies, playing video games, and eating junkfood all morning, noon, and night.

Sigh... did I say only a little bit?

je suis la belette de quelqu'un

2010-10-06T08:38:00.006-05:00

So, since we've been home (well, even before we came home) I've been a little bit sad knowing that our travelling days are done. We had such an incredible time and I got to do it all with my husband! For many years that is something I've been waiting to say - "I just got home from travelling with my husband..." "while my husband and I were on our trip..." "my husband and I really enjoy travelling together..." What a treat. To be walking in places where when I've been there before it's been wishing I had someone holding my hand beside me and to get to walk there again holding that someone's hand and knowing it's as great as I always imagined it would be?...nothing compares to that heart swelling feeling.

One thing my imaginings didn't foresee is that the day after returning home I would be making supper in the kitchen, a little melancholy, and as I poured the soup into cups I would hear the unmistakable music of one of my favourite movies begin to play from the living room - Amelie. Just because "then we can watch for all the places we visited together."

So maybe it's not about where you are, but who you're with.

how could i...?

2010-09-29T15:46:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here trying to figure out a way to smuggle my little scissors onto the airplane so that I can use them to cut my two-sided tape and finish my journal while in the air tomorrow.

Any suggestions?

how tasty was that?

2010-09-27T13:33:00.003-05:00

As promised (in a very noncommittal kind of way) some pictures of us enjoying a delicious and fun night of gourmet! Mmmm... lekker....

holland (my second home)

2010-09-26T11:00:00.003-05:00

So... haven't posted as many posts as I had hoped while we were in Europe, but finding places to connect to the internet has been a challenge, so I don' t feel too bad. Plus, at the end of the day I had things to do and places to see and didn't want to be sitting in front of a computer screen when I could be enjoying a drink at a little cafe, or walking along a beach, or... you get the picture.

We've just spent an enormously enjoyable day with my dear Dutch friends, Miriam and Richard. They have three astoundingly beautiful children (and by beautiful I mean superficially and "on the inside") and we spent the afternoon biking and hiking and playing and running and collecting acorns and stones. So good.

And now we're getting ready for an evening of gourmet. Mmmmmm... can't wait. I'll post some photos of the big evening tomorrow (but don't hold me to it).

it's gotta be thursday somewhere!

2010-09-08T11:52:00.002-05:00

No Whiney Wednesday for me this week : ) I'm skipping straight to a Thursday Thirteen.

Things I Have Spent Time Enjoying This Week:

1. Bonita Portugal! How lovely! How wonderful! I can see why all the Romantics came to Sintra to live.

2. The smell of salt in the air - so invigorating and refreshing. I can understand why people believe in the healing properties of the sea air.

3. Having our own kitchen to make meals and keep food in. Soooooo nice.

4. Delicious (even if it was kinda cheap) steak and pan fried potatoes. Yum.

5. On the same note, cheap wine that is still pretty darn good.

6. The grocery stores in Portugal. Even the little ones that look like holes in the wall are fully stocked with decent produce and not very expensive at all.

7. Traipsing through tunnels in the dark at Quinta da Regaleira, this mansion and extensive grounds that an eccentric man had built a hundred years ago. He built in these tunnels to lead from his waterfalls to his wells to his chapel to his house. CRAZY but a lot of fun when all four of you are giggly and kind of scared about what's unseen in the dark.

8. Waking up in the mornings and seeing what the day is like through the skylight right above our bed.

9. Not being the one to have to drive on the crazy up and down and all around streets. I had enough of that in England. And that was on the other side of the road, to boot.

10. Sunshine. Glorious sunshine. I can feel my skin just absorbing it and saving it for the long months of winter ahead (I wish).

11. Believe it or not, the cats that live here. They're so friendly and mew and yip and talk to us all the time. They're like little puppies in cat form (and they stay outside) (and I don't have to pet them).

12. Fresh buns and bread and baguette. Oh, mama. Especially when coupled with cheese. And trioed with tomato.

13. Having a quartet of travellers. I remember what it was like to be alone and seeing all these incredible things and yet I would still be jealous when I'd see a group of friends go by laughing at a shared joke. Sigh... now I'm laughing at the shared joke. And it's hilarious.

And one thing I haven't enjoyed:

1. Stubbing my toe on a marble slab that led into a very dark bathroom. OOOOUUUCCCCHHH!

paris like i've never seen it before

2010-09-01T17:44:00.003-05:00

We're staying with a phenomenal guy we met through couchsurfing and he is showing us a Paris I never knew about. For starters, he had the table set and food out for us when we got up in the morning (the kettle was even boiled, how did he know when we'd be ready?) and he's been giving us all sorts of hints about places to visit, where the cheap restaurants are, etc. I didn't even know the Latin Quarter existed in Paris and we ended up having a delicious (and cheap!) supper there.

This morning his schedule was clear and he even came in to the city with us and showed us around. We learned so much! So many little details that you wouldn't even learn from guide books. It was amazing!

Daryl and I in front of The Moulin Rouge. We were standing on top of a vent and it kept blowing up my skirt!
Pierre explaining how a Mon. Poulbot decided that he needed to help the orphans and street children running around Paris so he built and orphanage for them (or several). The kids were not the best behaved so soon any kids who were running in the street became known as Poulbots. As in "Mais, entendez ce Poulbot qui fait du bruit!"
The four of us in front of Sacre Coeur. Amazing no matter how many times you see it. And we had a beautiful day to walk up the hill and it in the sunshine!

two photos and one forgotten piece of information

2010-08-28T16:55:00.006-05:00

I didn't mention that we went to the British Museum (below) and had a fantastic time. We looked around, sat down for a while, looked around again... it was great. The only sad thing was that because the museum is open late Thursday and Friday nights, they close off a few of the exhibitions to cut down on extra staff. Sad. There were a few things I wanted to see but didn't. But, most museums in London are free (hooray) so I guess I'll let it go. This time.

And below again is a picture of us having lunch in a little cafe in Hamburg. I don't know why I like it so much. Maybe because it invites you to be a part of the scene? Maybe because you can tell how exhausted we all are and just how good that cup of tea was? In any case. I enjoy looking at it.

And one more thing I forgot to mention. While we were in The British Museum we got to see... THE ROSETTA STONE! I have always wanted to see the Rosetta Stone every since we were living in Cairo and I learned about it in Egypt Culture class. Basically, no one could translate hieroglyphics because they didn't think they were like letters that sounded out words but there were more glyphs there than just each picture representing one word. So they couldn't figure it out. Then, someone digs up this piece of broken rock that has a decree about how to worship a king on it and it has three languages on it 1. Hieroglyphics (which were falling into disuse in Egypt by that time) 2. Denotic (which was the newer Egyptian written language) and 3. Greek (which was used by the ruling authorities of the day). And voila! The Rosetta Stone! They could now translate any hieroglyphs they wanted because they knew both Greek and Denotic and knew they were both saying the same thing! So they knew that the hieroglyphics would be exactly what the other two said! And it turned out that the glyphs were both symbols for letters and pictures representing words. ISN'T THAT COOL?! It's like a secret spy translating tool, but real! And I got to see it! Very exciting.

Now leave before you discover just how much more of a history geek I really am...

and away we go...

2010-08-27T18:59:00.002-05:00

Hamburg was a surprise layover and was beautiful beyond our expectations.

London is, as expected, just wonderful, and we have a beautiful apartment to stay in, our own kitchen to cook in, and another couple days of exploring before we have to leave.

So good...

introducing...

2010-08-19T16:42:00.004-05:00

...a new blog.

Created by a young whippersnapper who figures he has enough to say that it should be put out there for the world to read. While his prose are not entirely drivel he also holds in his mind's eye an aching vision for where the world of music could take us.

Check it out

It is indeed beautiful how our chemicals collide, Daryl Hiebert, it is indeed.

don't get too excited, mom

2010-08-17T15:43:00.002-05:00

Well.

I enjoy a smoothie every day at work for breakfast because:

a. yogurt and fruit and flax and wheat germ and orange juice are good for you and low fat.

b. it means I can get up fifteen minutes later due to not having to eat breakfast at home.

c. we have a blender at work that I can blend everything in.

d. it's the perfect way to eat breakfast without having to stop to eat.

e. I'm just the kind of person who enjoys routine and having a smoothie every day for breakfast for the past five months has suited me just fine.

But, horror of horrors! I forgot to buy yogurt this weekend and I was totally out. No secret reserves, no making due with one lonely little yogurt cup, nothing frozen in the freezer, none. And by the time I realized it on Sunday night, all the stores were closed. Except Young's - the Asian food market just down the street from us.

Now, I'm not sure if it's just inconvenient to carry or if the Asian population just doesn't eat a lot of dairy products, but they have like, nothing for dairy. Maybe a four litre of two percent milk. And ice-cream (mostly including interesting things like sweet purple yam). But that's it.

What else was I to do? I love my smoothies in the morning! I bit the bullet and bought... hold your breath and say a prayer for me... flavoured custard tofu. I got banana because I thought it would probably go the best with my fruit and I dutifully took it to work with me the next day.

And you know what? Not bad. It had the exact same texture as my regular yogurt and only one gram of fat. I would add more fruit next time because I could taste the ground flax seed pretty strongly but other than that pretty good. I was even looking forward to finishing off the container in the next morning's smoothie.

But it was not to be. As I was getting supper ready I pulled out a container and something watery spilled out on me and I was so grossed out, I had no idea what it was that had gone bad. It was so bad it had turned white and watery. I dumped it into the sink and as it went down the drain I smelled banana and realized I had just dumped out the rest of the tofu. Daryl had put it away for me and I totally didn't recognize what it was. I was kinda sad.

Kinda.

wherein i rave about josh ritter... again

2010-08-09T17:23:00.002-05:00

Favourite lines from his new album:

"I was thirsty so I drank, and though it was saltwater, there was something 'bout the way it tasted so familiar"

"I had a dream last night, and when I opened my eyes your shoulder blades your spine were shorelines in the moonlight. New worlds for the weary, new lands for the living. I could make it if I tried. I closed my eyes I kept on swimming."

"And the sky's so cold and clear the stars might stick you where you stand and you're only glad it's dark cause you might see the Master's hand and you might cast around forever and never find the peace you seek."

"Tell me what's the point of light that you have to strike a match to find?"

"After that it got colder, the world got quiet, it was never quite day or quite night and the sea turned the colour of sky turned the colour of sea turned the colour of ice."

And my two ultimate favourites:

"So throw away those lamentations we both know them all too well. If there's a book of jubilations we'll have to write it for ourselves. So come and lie beside me darling and let's write it while we still got time."

"I'm not afraid of the dark, so if the stars get scarce and you reach for him and honey he's not there, just a long shadow across your heart, you can reach for me I'm not afraid of the dark."

all hail the chore calendar

2010-07-27T16:45:00.005-05:00

We have a new system in this household. We have assigned a specific chore to a specific day. This is to help those of us who find themselves doing all the chores be helped out by those of us who forget what needs to be done (or that it needs to be done at all).

And I gotta say, I really like it. Today as I was tidying (because Teusday is tidy and organize) and I was dusting around my pile of books in the kitchen

(which reminded me of one of the nicest compliments I've received - my aunt was coming over for the first time and they weren't sure which condo in the building was ours. As they trekked up to the third storey she spotted a pile of books through the kitchen window and thought, "That must be their place, only Corrie would keep a huge pile of books in the kitchen.")

and as I tidied, I thought, "Man, I should probably do the bathrooms next." But, no! I approached the marvellous calendar of chores upon my knees with head bowed and beheld that tomorrow is bathroom cleaning day so I heeded the chore calendar, happily putting the thought out of my head and sat down with my book and half a banana muffin instead.

How glorious.

A side benefit is that those of us who have had a hard time remembering what needs to be done have been super-trememdous chore do-ers this past week.

Thank you chore calendar.

oh my.

2010-07-21T00:29:00.002-05:00

I usually leave the movie stuff to Pam. But I must make this one plea of you.

Please stop what you are doing right now and go buy a ticket to the next showing of Inception.

It is

I really

Wow.

Frickin' Wow.

y'know what I mean?

2010-07-19T16:47:00.002-05:00

I try to regret as few things as possible in life.

Like Friday when I repotted my beautiful Wandering Jew plant that I've had for years and was finally getting around to putting it in a hanging basket so it didn't trail across the floor with me stepping on it all the time and then I hung it precariously from a hook in the ceiling of the sunroom and proceeded to fuss with it to make it hang *just so* making it wiggle from its precarious perch so that it fell and the pot split open spilling dirt everywhere and all that's left of my beautiful plant are a few little tendrils attached to the root and lots and lots of tendrils not attached to the root anymore.

Sad, but not worth making myself miserable thinking about what ifs. If I had just left it alone, or if I hadn't hung it from the hook when I knew it didn't fit properly. I find that it wastes energy and makes me feel miserable to regret things like that.

But there are a few things that I do regret.

Mostly having to do with my big mouth.

There have been a handful of comments I have made without thinking at all or, in some cases, too much thinking, that I wish I could take back.

Comments that are spiteful, and hit the target precisely how I meant to, to inflict as much hurt as possible.

Comments that I made in order to sound cool and like I didn't care, and they succeeded in making me appear that way but then I felt awful for betraying myself.

Or comments that were flippant about issues that I never should have been flippant about.

I've apologized where I've needed to apologize (even years later) and, most of the time, I've learned to make sure that my words really do reflect my beliefs and intelligence, and hope that people feel that they can trust what comes out of my mouth and not be afraid of hurtful words.

But that handful of comments won't let go.

True regrets.

Maybe that's what regret is - ages with you but never gets old.

canoedling

2010-07-07T18:10:00.005-05:00

Our canoe trip was excellent. We paddled a lot, got sunburns, admired the scenery, got a million black and blue bottle fly bites, got cuts and bruises, were rained out of tent and home, and left before I was ready to give it all up.

Whenever I'm out there I feel like I'm a sponge, trying to absorb as much as I possibly can - the feel of the sun and wind on my face, the sound of paddles pulling through the water, how the lichen on the rocks scratches my bare feet, the way food tastes better cooked over a campfire, how reassuring it is to have a warm body you love beside you in the tent when it's dark and raining. I come home feeling recharged and more settled in my spirit. At the risk of sounding too cheesy, I feel a place deep inside of me become calm as soon as we put the canoes on the lake and dip our paddles in the water.

Life is so simple and yet so harsh out there. If it rains for over twenty four hours and all the dry wood you tucked under the tarp gets used up on lunch and supper you eat granola bars for breakfast. You don't have the option of just giving up when you're in the middle of the lake and you've been paddling for hours through the white crested waves and the wind is against you. You simply keep going beyond discomfort and tired muscles and sore hands.

I think I like the challenge because I like the reward. Peace is so much more satisfying when it has been fought for.

in just a few, short days...

2010-06-28T20:44:00.003-05:00

... I'll be sitting next to the water on a rock after portaging our canoe and gear and I will be tired and thirsty and my muscles will be sore and I will have bug bites and cuts and bruises. I will look out over the water at the trees and the sky and over at the people who have just completed the portage with me and I will be the happiest girl in the world.

that'll do

2010-06-24T17:41:00.005-05:00

It doesn't get much better than walking home after work during a surprising sunny break in the clouds, listening to Jeremy Fisher, eating tartufo gelato, to a husband who will greet me with a kiss.

Sigh.

shelter from the rain

2010-06-17T16:03:00.004-05:00

So, I was walking home from work today when it started raining. Sprinkling, really, but soon there were bigger and bigger drops until I noticed everyone around me had umbrellas up and, silly me, without an umbrella or jacket. I started walking faster and faster - as fast as my poor, sore feet would allow without breaking into an all out run. Thankfully, there are several large, sheltering trees on the walk home and the sidewalk beneath them was clear and dry. I slowed down under the trees, enjoying the brief respite from the growing rain.

Pausing my brain from it's busy thoughts (but not my feet from their busy steps) I thought of how many metaphors there are about God being a sheltering tree to us. Sheltering us from rain, from heat, from wind and snow.

And suddenly I remembered Psalm 1. As a Kidventure team one time we memorized the entire Psalm (not that it's that long) as a memory challenge for ourselves.

Blessed are they
who do not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

But their delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law they meditate day and night.

They are like trees planted by streams of water,
which yield their fruit in season
and whose leaves do not wither.
Whatever they do prospers.

It struck me that the very characteristics I wanted to credit to God, God holds up as an example for me. We, too, are like trees. Imagine, I can be like a tree - sheltering, providing for others, my very presence a respite from the growing rain.

What a challenge and a glowing promise.

whiney wednesday

2010-06-09T16:46:00.003-05:00

So, as an hommage to Becky's list I've created my own. Plus, I think along with Thursday Thirteens we should add Whiney Wednesdays. Go ahead, complain about whatever you like, we'll listen and even feel sorry for you.

So, my rant for this Wednesday...

How the general population has proven to me that they suck:

1. Interrupting my, "Hi there, what can I ge..." with "Gimme an egg and cheese bagel."

2. Not responding with a verbal answer when somebody asks you a verbal question. VERY annoying, especially when you're asking them what they want on their sandwich while you make it. Who just nods in response to a question? What are they, two years old?

3. Showing up with a couple of friends, talking the whole time they order, and them blaming me when they don't get what they wanted and expect to get a free piece of ham because they were too busy talking to actually ORDER said piece of ham with their breakfast.

"Ohhh... I wanted a piece of ham with this..." Really? Then next time pause the conversation and order one.

4. Not tipping because we're a cafeteria style cafe without sit down service and then leaving huge messes for me to clean up. Hmmm... how does that make sense? Who carries their tray to the table, makes a mess eating, then gets up and leaves their tray and napkins and glasses and coffee cups and cracker packages all over the table without throwing the garbage away and putting their tray and dishes on the racks? Jerks, that's who.

5. Not pushing in their chairs after they're done eating. Thanks, I really needed that chair to be there so I could trip on it while I was carrying your tray of dirty dishes and garbage to the rack...

All this to say, please be kind to the people to who serve you anything anywhere. Remember that they're people, too, who are tired and have sore feet and are looking forward to the weekend as much as you are.

question to myself

2010-05-31T12:04:00.003-05:00

Why am I still eating this?

I have, before me, a bowl of half stale Froot Loops from the bottom of the bag which have been sitting in the cupboard for over a month, over which I poured milk I thought was questionable but couldn't quite tell because I still had Froot Loops in my mouth from when I was tasting them to see just how stale they were.

Time to put it down and get something else.

Thank you, brain, for thinking it through for me.

May 19

2010-05-19T12:18:00.002-05:00

This would have been our due date. Sometime in this week we were expecting to welcome our baby into the world.

Way back in October when I was feeling so sick and so miserable May 19th felt so far away and so impossible.

Now it feels like a dream.

Were we ever really expecting to welcome a healthy baby into our lives? Did we really expect that things would be happy and good? What was life like back then before Emmanuel?

Not that I wish things were different, because that would mean wishing that our son had been different, and I really believe that God gave him to us to love just as he was for as long as we were able to and I wouldn't change a thing.

Going back, had I known, I might have cherished every moment, even the nausea and sickness, knowing it was all the time we would get with our baby. But I don't like living with what if's and regrets so I'll leave that train of thought behind.

As for today, I took the day off work. Daryl and I know how to take care of each other and how to make each other smile and understand what this day is about, even without saying it out loud.

Now May 19th feels like an ending. The date calculated to be the end of our pregnancy, but which really came much sooner. Now, no more imaging what I would have looked like had I still been pregnant, no more thinking of how we would have been preparing to welcome a baby, it's another ending like January 27th was an ending.

Now I'm not Corrie-who-would-have-been-nine-months-pregnant. I'm just Corrie again.

Still.

in the meantime

2010-05-08T10:36:00.004-05:00

We celebrated out 1st anniversary. It was pretty great, I've never had an anniversary before, so it was kind of an odd sensation. We gave each other small gifts and my parents ended up taking us out for supper to our favourite Thai restaurant and we had a delicious meal. Both our moms and my grandma gave us cards, what fun to celebrate a doozy of a year!

It was a wonderful break from the lowness of spirit we've both been feeling lately. It kind of feels like we're right back where we started except three months have passed and we have no excuse for wanting to curl back up on the couch and watch tv and movies for days on end again.

But! Bright spot in the future! We're happy to get to celebrate two anniversaries (I like to think of it as the Marriage Anniversary and the Wedding Anniversary) and that's coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm thinking lunch and pottery painting, but we'll see what transpires...

ouch.

2010-04-27T16:36:00.002-05:00

All of me hurts.

Three months today.

is it just me....?

2010-04-16T07:37:00.002-05:00

...or are there babies absolutely everywhere?

Down every street I walk, around every corner I turn, in every magazine, on every tv show... babies.

And on a similar note:

it seems to me that every other person on this planet is a pregnant woman.

Is anyone else feeling mocked by a world of procreation?

how well do I know myself?

2010-04-05T12:25:00.004-05:00

Man, I hate those security questions. I mean, I know at some point they presented me with all the questions and now they're just using the answers I gave them, but it's like I was scared that I was actually going to be able to get into my own account and tried to lock myself out. I don't even remember answering the initial questions. I think my brain has erased it from my memory in the event that I try to do online banking.

I mean, c'mon! What is your favourite vegetable? Brocolli? Nope. Broccoli? Nope. Cauliflower? Nope. Snap Peas? Nope.

Kay, those are all my favourite vegetables, even accounting for my bad spelling. How can it not be one of those? Had I just had a plateful of eggplant and thought, "Gee, eggplant is my new favourite vegetable!" Or was I afraid that someone who was trying to break into my account would have an intimate knowledge of my vegetable preferences so I gave an answer that was untrue just to trick the thief? And if so, WHAT VEGETABLE DID I GIVE AS AN ANSWER?

Yeesh.

Eventually I got a new question. What's your favourite ice cream flavour? Finally, a question, without a doubt, I know the answer to.

But maybe I should change it. After all, if I know the answer so easily won't the online hacker thief be able to figure it out?

Hmmm... maybe eggplant. No one would guess eggplant...

50% heaven

2010-03-23T14:01:00.004-05:00

This is my new favourite thing. When I walk through SuperStore or Extra Foods my eyes are peeled looking for this sticker.

Now, I've always been pretty thrifty.

The Van A's, in general, have been thrifty conservationists before it was even cool to be a thrifty conservationist.

We don't use more water, power, toilet paper, hand soap, clothing, vehicles, or food than is strictly necessary. Sometimes a little *too* strict, if you ask me. I remember a period when my mom must have been exhausted of buying package after package of toilet paper (but there were seven of us in the house after all!) and we were all put on a three piece ration. And I think we all experienced the removal of the lightbulb from the socket when my dad had caught the light on in our empty bedrooms one too many times...

So, yes, I come by it honestly.

And it's not so much the money issue as it is not wanting to consume more than we absolutely need to or not wanting to waste.

And the things I've been finding with this coupon on them are incredible! Strawberries, a whole bag full of kiwis, fresh herbs, mustard, red peppers, yoghurt, fresh green beans, ancient grains bread (I don't even know what an ancient grain is), ground beef, chocolates, fresh chicken.... all within the expiration date and just a little banged up. It's gotten to the point where I simply go to the discount section to find out what we are having for meals that week.

I love it. It's like a combination of bargain shopping for food and a cooking challenge. What can I make with this....?

Anyway, not everyone in our two person household is loving it. But I'm the one who does the grocery shopping and the cooking (mostly) so I figure it's only fair. And our bank account sure appreciates it...

And, I have to remember, when we first met I was horrified* when it was admitted that he turned on the water for a shower to let it "heat up" and then would walk away, LETTING IT RUN for ten minutes or longer.

He doesn't do that anymore, thank the heavens above, so maybe he'll come around on this, too**.

*And I do mean horrified. I couldn't even pull off the I-don't-know-you-very-well-so-I-can't-let-on-how-shocked-I-am-face.

**I feel I have to point out that I've made my fair share of compromises, too, it's not all one sided... I am typing this on a Mac, after all, and we do have an obscenely enormous television in the next room.

i am

2010-03-10T11:16:00.004-06:00

I found this meme over at Fitful Thoughts. I like it.

I am: looking for a job
I think: too much, sometimes I wish I could let things rest in my mind
I know: that my husband loves me
I want: my own family *so* badly
I have: a bite plate that I hate wearing at night
I dislike: the bite plate, but also people who are thoughtless with their words
I miss: all that kicking, and nudging that went on in my belly
I fear: that pregnancy will never be a happy thing for us
I feel: like I might be getting the cold/flu that's going around
I hear: ambulance sirens on their way to the hospital just down the street
I smell: the enormous apple/cranberry strudel I made on Sunday and am still enjoying today
I crave: travel
I usually: travel more than I have in the last few years
I search: for random answers to random questions online
I wonder: how different life would be right now if I were still pregnant
I regret: times when I haven't let people know I feel for their sorrow
I love: quiet moments to reflect and drink life in
I care: about my husband's health (I need him around!)
I am always: ready to chat with my mom or sisters
I worry: about money
I remember: the love I've felt and the love I've given
I have: a brand new jacket (well, new to me) that I'm excited to wear
I dance: with children and that's about it
I sing: in church and hum the rest of the time
I don’t always: do my dishes when I should
I argue: in a nice way
I write: when I need to sort out my thoughts
I lose: things not as often as when I had pregnancy brain!
I wish: that it was okay to drink coke ALL THE TIME (but I don't, cause it isn't)
I listen: very hard for God's voice
I don’t understand: math
I can usually be found: lost in thought
I am scared: of sasquatches
I need: lots of sleep
I forget: a lot of the bad stuff and try to hold on to the good
I am happy: when Daryl and I cuddle together on the couch

and one I'm adding:

I hope: that heaven is like a big reunion and the people who knew us and love us are telling our son about who his parents are and telling him all sorts of stories about us.

off topic

2010-03-03T10:19:00.003-06:00

How come, in a grocery store, a sale of $3.99 for a box of 16 pop-tarts seems like a purchase that needs to be considered and mulled over to assess it's prudence but grabbing a snack at Sev that totals $7 for chips and pop doesn't?

fresh eyes

2010-03-01T16:35:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I forget that pregnancy isn't supposed to end the way it did for us. I've kind of lost sight of that in the last little while.

Then I remember that most people have happy ends to their pregnancies, and they do get to experience the innocent joy and excitement that we felt at the beginning of ours all the way to the end. We weren't just rubes who were wrong to feel so excited about the future. Most people get to hang on to their innocence.

That gives me hope.

But it also makes me see the tragedy of our pregnancy all over again with fresh eyes.

hoar frost

2010-02-23T11:11:00.006-06:00

Initially I wasn't going to post about this because it seems so deeply personal, but then I re-read my last post and thought, if I'm willing to share the hurt and the dark I would like to think I'm able to share the healing and the light, too.

The morning after I wrote that last post I woke up tired with the wound still very fresh, I had hardly slept and when I did it was dreams about them telling us she's pregnant over and over again. I trudged out to make some tea and turn on my computer and when I sat down at the table I happened to glance outside. My breath caught in my throat. That morning we had the most beautiful hoar frost I have ever seen. The branches of every tree were covered in it, even the railing on our back stairs was covered. And I felt a pull, an imperative, to get outside and just be with God for a bit. So I put my tea in my travel mug, grabbed my Bible and headed to the nearest park where I could sit and read or walk around.

I got to the park, parked the car, got out and started walking. Even with all the beauty around me I couldn't focus on it, I just felt the throbbing wound in my heart, the anger of feeling betrayed. I realized I kept looking down at the path in front of me, the trampled snow with bits and pieces of dirt, instead of up at the trees. I had to keep reminding myself to look at the trees, not down at my feet. I was still so hurt and angry at them, I wanted God to tell me they were wrong. I wanted to hear that what they did was deplorable and they would pay for it. I wanted God to tell me he was on my side. But I know that's not how God works. It's none of my business what goes on between them and God. So I trudged on, head down, snow crunching underfoot, and all I could think about was her.

Staring at the ground, holding on to my hurt, I suddenly heard God say, "Don't look at that! Look at me!" Shocked, I looked up and saw the trees again. The wind hadn't come up yet, the sky was still foggy and the frost still clung to each and every tiny branch. "Don't look at that," I heard again, "look at me." I kept looking up at the trees and just then I walked through a spot where they bowed down low over the path and I was surrounded by lacy ice, like God was reaching down even closer to me.

And then the tears came and I poured out my hurt and let God have it all.

I kept walking, admiring the trees, looking at the pine branches so painstakingly covered in frost, each and every needle, and letting God hold me so gently and so comfortingly. It felt good to see God and hold him in my view, and just let the other stuff fade into the periphery. It felt good to feel empty of all the hurt and anger and to let God slowly fill that space again. I found a bench a little off to the side and sat for a while, looking at the trees across the river. "Wasn't he beautiful?" God spoke again. And the tears came again because he was so beautiful, our baby. Thank you thank you thank you, my heart breathed as tears ran down my face. Thank you for giving him to us. Thank you for letting us love him.

A gentle wind came up but it was enough to start dislodging the frost and it fell, almost like a snowfall, from the tree in front of me directly to where I was sitting. I let it fall on me, basking in God's blessing, as I sat and let the tears fall. Remembering Emmanuel. How it felt to feel him move inside me, how it felt to hold him in our hands.

By the time I left the frost was falling from the trees and it looked almost like a snowstorm in the park. Thank you thank you thank you, my heart still breathed.

On the way home I remembered this song. A few years ago my sister, Kim, wrote some beautiful music and needed words to go with it so asked me what I could come up with. I'd been meditating a lot on Psalm 73 and the words seemed to fit perfectly with the music. As I listened to it on my drive home it seemed like it had been written for that very moment.

So thank you, all of you out there who read and pray and care about our journey. Thank you for sharing in the darkness and in the light.

not tonight

2010-02-17T21:48:00.006-06:00

Daryl and I have talked about how it seems like even in the situation we're in we've been learning how to extend grace to people. Sometimes I think, "they don't know what to say and that just came out awkwardly" or, "maybe those words seem helpful to them" or, "they really don't know what we're experiencing, how can they know what to say?" Most of the time I can easily let go of the words and hang on to the sentiment behind them.

But not tonight.

Tonight there is no grace inside me to extend. And even if God were to pour oceans of grace into my heart tonight I would dam it up watertight so not even a drop could escape.

Tonight we were invited out for coffee by people we don't spend a lot of time with and I was already having a hard time knowing what we would talk about, how the conversation would flow, how early would be too early to beg off and leave. Tonight I couldn't meet their eyes and didn't know if I could talk about something unrelated to the searing pain that won't seem to quit.

And tonight they thought it would be the perfect time to tell us she is pregnant.

I sat across from her. Thinking about how three weeks ago tonight we had just come home from the hospital and I was laying in bed recovering from the delivery of our precious baby. Thinking about how every time I think of him I can still smell the blood of childbirth in my nostrils and how I can't get rid of the feeling of his limp body slipping out of mine. Thinking about how they didn't even acknowledge what we're going through or offer us words of condolence. And she dared to sit across from me, a beatific little smile on her face, just begging me to remark on how glowing she was.

And her pregnancy will probably be perfect, and her baby, too.

I just can't find any forgiveness in my heart. There is no grace to cover over these wrongs. Because they should have known better, and they shouldn't have been that selfish, and it was a cruel thing to do.

And maybe those things will come. Maybe God will ease them into my heart and I won't even recognize when the sea change takes place and I'll find that I'm able to extend my hand in warmth and kindness.

But not tonight.

balm

2010-02-17T10:12:00.002-06:00

I have to admit, I got a little... moody... on valentine's day. And while I'm admitting things I should admit that it hasn't been only on valentine's day. Moody pretty much describes my general state of being nowadays. Happy one minute, bawling the next. I'm confident most of it is due to our circumstances but a wonderful friend reminded me that postpartum hormone changes probably have something to do with it, as well. Which made me feel better and less like I'm losing my mind.

Needless to say, it hasn't been a picnic in our home the last few weeks and I wanted to do something special for Daryl.

Now, we're not celebration people. We don't go crazy over birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries (I can hardly keep track of the date(s) we got married let alone started dating), or valentine's day. We're just lazy that way, I guess. Most gifts are bought in a panic the day before the scheduled event. But this year I got it in my head that I wanted Sunday night to be special. More than just the two of us sitting on the couch for the evening.

But I couldn't make it happen. My ideas didn't even get past the planning stage. When I confessed to Daryl my plans and how they weren't working out he said it was probably for the best, money's tight and after all, we don't really even celebrate valentine's day. Part of me was proud (he's come such a long way where money's concerned) but part of me was just disappointed. It wasn't about money, it was about making the night special and recognizing that it hasn't been easy and I appreciate his patience and understanding and support and him not even saying anything but just holding me sometimes and that being enough.

So out came the mood.

This is what my moods look like: I get very, very quiet.

I would say "that's all" but I think that sometimes silence can do more damage than an explosion of words.

Well, out comes Daryl's laptop. "I'm going to make you supper," he declares. And didn't he just whip up the best fondue I've ever tasted. He opened up the fondue set we got at our wedding but hadn't used yet. He thawed out chicken breast. He spent a half hour (literally) sawing at a roast that was frozen solid. He concocted dips and sauces. He researched what kind of oil works best in the fondue pot. He cooked up an amazing rice pilaf. And last but not least, he poured me a big glass of coca-cola over ice.

Now, I really do think the world of my husband. But all of this amazed me. I honestly didn't know he had it in him.

And to top it off, he didn't have to spend any money.

So we sat at the table, just the two of us, and cooked up our meat and ate until we were full to bursting. We talked and laughed and it felt like we were out on a date.

I couldn't help but think of when we first found out about the trisomy 18, on a date that *is* forever sliced into my memory - December 29, 2009, our first ultrasound. It was supposed to be such a wonderful day and ended up being the day our world crashed down around us. We got home from the midwife's and cried and cried. Our three person worldview suddenly had to fit back into a two person worldview again. Through the tears I remember saying to Daryl, "It's not so bad, is it? Just the two of us?"

And while we both wish with all our hearts that we could have celebrated the three of us, it really wasn't so bad just being the two of us again. There's no one with whom I'd rather be just two.

ticker tape

2010-02-11T10:44:00.002-06:00

I keep watching the world go by and I just don't even care that I feel no connection to it. It's like watching a tv show with the ticker tape scrolling by at the bottom and all you can focus on are those scrolling words.

"Your baby is gone. Your baby is gone. Your baby is gone. Your baby is gone."

As I lay in bed last night not sleeping, just watching those words go by again and again, I wondered if there was something I could do with the ticker tape. Ticker tape parade? But then I remembered that people threw the tape out the windows when the news was good. What did they do when the news was bad? Hmmm... threw themselves out the window... I decided to steer clear of that line of thinking.

And the sucky thing is that there is no external sign of this internal monologue. I feel like we should be marked in some way. That if we had big, gaping scars that somehow said, "we were going to have a baby but now he's gone," it might be easier to be out in public.

Yes, I'm grocery shopping. Yes, I'm laughing at the funny part of the movie. Yes, I'm folding laundry. Yes, I'm chatting with a group of people. But I've learned those things by rote, with 31 years of practice I can do them in my sleep.

What I'm really doing is watching the ticker tape.

in my mind

2010-02-02T14:51:00.003-06:00

I keep this image close by.

I can see our baby healthy and happy, fat and rosy skinned, laughing and kicking, being held in Jesus' arms. He is not broken or in pain but the hands that hold him are scarred and wounded. Even in heaven.

The picture might be just a figment of my imagination, the wishful thinking of a mother aching to hold her baby, but I know the love is real. I know that as much as we love our son Jesus loves him even more,
and that he is with his savior is such a comfort
and a joy.

january 27, 2010

2010-01-31T11:30:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure how to write this post. I don't know what to include and what to leave out, or how to share my heart without just having it burst all over everyone. So read on, knowing that my heart is still very tender but I wanted to share the continuation of our journey with you all.

Last Monday or Tuesday (January 25th or 26th) our baby's heart stopped beating. We went for an appointment with our mid-wife on the Tuesday and when she couldn't hear the heartbeat we went to the hospital where they performed an ultra-sound and confirmed that his heart had stopped. We decided to be admitted right away so that I could be induced that night.

A few things:
1. We had just been talking to our mid-wife that very day about skipping the normal pre-natal classes and having some one on one lessons with her to avoid further heartache of being in a class with happy, expectant parents. We never got those lessons.
2. We had both assumed that because the baby was so small the birth (if it happened in the next little while) would be more like a miscarriage than a delivery. Our midwife informed us that we were mistaken and it would be a full-on labour and delivery. Because he was smaller the pushing might be easier but up until that point it would be labour as usual.

So, we sat in the hospital room, in shock, not sure what to even expect or how we would handle it. I was induced at 8pm Tuesday and by 8am Wednesday was having regular contractions about 10 minutes apart. Emmanuel was born at 1:31pm January 27, he was 8.5 inches long and weighed 13 oz.

We got to see him and hold him and explore his tiny little body. He had the cutest chin and nose, tiny, dimpled elbows and the most perfect tiny feet I have ever seen. He even had toenails on his toes. Beforehand we had been afraid we wouldn't be able to see past all the problems his little body struggled with but more than anything what we saw was our baby son. And he was fearfully and wonderfully made.

We were so thankful to have our moms there with us and our family. They held him and cooed over him and just reassured us that he mattered and was important, not only to us as his parents but in our larger family as well. Daryl jokes that he was afraid he'd do something wrong but was such a support and comfort to me I don't know what I would have done without him there, pre-natal training or not.

We were also thankful to have our midwife there who was exactly what we wanted for the birth. The nurses and doctors at the hospital were just wonderful, too. So kind and gentle with us and our baby.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers, not only through the pregnancy but as we continue this journey of recovery and grief. I have felt more than once that more than our hearts were breaking in this situation, and thank you for your emails of encouragement and love.

cuba

2010-01-26T10:57:00.011-06:00

We had a great time in Cuba. We hemmed and hawed over whether to stick to our original plans or delay the trip until next winter but we were both so glad that we went. (Those of you who KNEW it would be a good thing for us, thank you for being vocal about it, it was a good thing for us)

The thing that will stand out in my mind most when I think back and remember it was that somehow we were both just able to enjoy ourselves. And enjoy the pregnancy. From when we found out until we went I was using Daryl's large shirts to kinda hide my expanding belly... I just didn't want people's comments all the time or their looks of pity. But once we got there I realized it was pretty difficult not to look pregnant while wearing tank tops and bathing suits. And what's more, I realized I was happy to show off our baby. This wasn't just a trip for Daryl and me, this was a trip for our little family. We imagined he could feel the warmth of the weather, the brightness of the sun (a new experience for him!), hear the booming, live Cuban music every night, and could feel each caress when we stroked my fat little belly.

We each had our moments of sadness, it was never far from our minds, but such sweet memories we now have, as well. Here are some of my favourite pictures...

The view from our balcony. We got to wake up to this every morning!

BBQ lunch on "Cuba Day"

Oh baby, baby! Daryl kept looking at me the whole week and saying
(rather proudly, I might add) "I can't believe *I* did that to you!"
That's my husband, folks. Whatta guy.

Daryl making a break for Florida.

The only time I've ever worn a bikini in public!
It's so liberating when you're *supposed* to have a fat belly.
ps. That's not a sunburn on my belly, I was very careful with the sunscreen,
it's some kind of weird rash I got from the saltwater.
I'm responsible, I swear!

Fidel and his cigar.

One of the afternoons we borrowed bikes and headed out to explore a bit.
Who knew that even biking works out those abs?
It's amazing the things you learn when your uterus is in the way.

Our last night in Cuba. A nice meal, a nice restaurant, and beautiful memories.

kyrie eleison

2010-01-13T13:32:00.003-06:00

I warn you that this post may not make much sense. I do plan on putting up more updates in the future, but for now this is about all I can manage.

We have found out definitely that our baby has Trisomy 18. If you want to know more about it you can look it up. I'm exhausted of the endless searches and trying to find out more. I don't know if the information helps or hinders.

After feeling somewhat desperate about our situation I was offered the revolutionary idea of not trying to solve everything all at once, or make decisions about what the future will hold, but to simply take each day as it comes. One thing that goes through my head about 70 times a day is simply, "I can do today."

We have decided to continue with our trip to Cuba. The wonderful nurse at the fetal assessment unit (I think of her in my mind as "the kind lady at the hospital who so gently does God's work) assured us that there is no more risk right now than a typical pregnancy would have and that she thought it would be good for us to go. Along with the encouragement of family and friends we thought it would be a good escape, a bit of a distraction, and a way to just be together. We leave tomorrow.

We feel God's presence with us in a moment to moment way. He has been so good to supply us with abundant family and friends to encourage, love, pray for, and even protect us. We are ever aware of His faithfulness and goodness to us and to our baby. We have picked the name Emmanuel for him because it means "God is with us" and we are confident of God's closeness to us and especially to our tiny son.

I awake and drift to sleep with an almost forgotten song in my mind. I guess a time of desperate need caused the words to be dredged up from my memory...

Kyrie eleison.
Christe eleison.

huh.

2009-12-22T10:18:00.002-06:00

When did it change from, "Oh, no! Careful with my new cutlery set that I love so much! Don't just toss them into the drawer, place them carefully one on top of the other so they don't get scratched!" to, "I don't know where your needlenose pliers are. Just hand me one of those little dessert forks so I can pry this staple out of the wood."

a matter of taste

2009-12-01T12:13:00.002-06:00

Daryl (last night as we arrive home and he opens the fridge for a glass of milk): Ugh, something in the fridge is going bad.
Me (in my head): What could be going bad in there? It's totally clean!

Me (this morning as I get out some milk for my cereal): Oh, Daryl! Nothing's going bad, that's my leftover hummus sandwich from yesterday!
Daryl: That's disgusting.

I was rather looking forward to enjoying it for lunch today...

cynthia, this is what i was trying to remember last night

2009-11-27T10:48:00.003-06:00

Peter Kreeft, professor of philosophy at Boston College, from his book "For Heaven's Sake"

"The phrase, 'man's conquest of nature' is a sexually chauvinistic term not because all views of the traditional generic man is but because we have a civilization that is in the midst of what Karl Stern called the flight from woman. We extol action over contemplation, doing over being, analysis over intuition, problems over mysteries, success over contentment, conquering over nurturing, the quick fix over life long commitment, the prostitute over the mother."

the seeded apple

2009-11-25T10:22:00.003-06:00

It is pomegranate season again. I love pomegranates. I really do.

The first time I had a pomegranate was when we had just moved to Cairo. It was pomegranates season then, too, only I didn't know that yet. It was a hard move, we moved right at the beginning of December and EVERYTHING was unfamiliar. I can't think of one thing that felt the same... except my family. Everything was new and different (read, scary and unfamiliar). Nothing was simple, my mom and I got lost taking a walk even though we swore we just stuck to following the same high wall around one square block.

And then...

Our new landlady, Cookie, gave us a pomegranate. She knew we probably had never seen one before so she showed us how to open it and carefully take out the seeds inside. I can still hear her cautioning us to be careful because the juice will stain and not come out. And what a sweet surprise! So delicious! So tart yet inviting. So pretty once you opened the leathery outside. It was the first thing I loved about Egypt. Every winter the fruit vendors would pile high pyramids of pomegranates on their carts and we would eagerly pick out the ones we thought would taste best.

But it all ended when we came back to Canada. No more pomegranates. No more, that is, until the last few years when they have appeared in supermarkets everywhere! We would find one or two small little excuses for a pomegranate at certain stores, but they'd be outrageously priced. But now the rage has caught on, and pomegranate season returns.

I'll eat one or two a week during pomegranate season. I don't even mind the lengthy task of emptying the seeds from the husk. I like the feel of the leathery skin. How it often seems that if it looks beat up and kinda brown, like it's truly traveled from somewhere exotic, it has the best, sweetest, reddest seeds. I love slicing off the ends, trying not to slice open any seeds, challenging myself to make as little mess as possible. And then prying open the tough skin to reveal glistening jewel after glistening jewel. The pomegranate is such a female fruit. The many soft folds of white flesh, the bright red of the seeds. The tender way you must handle the fruit. She is a thing of beauty.

So go! Buy yourself a pomegranate and delite in the experience. Pomegranate season doesn't last forever, afterall.

letter to my home

2009-11-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

Dear Condo,

It's not that I haven't enjoyed living here. I have, I really have. You are the first place I owned. You are the first place I paid mortgage payments on. You will always be special to me.

I couldn't believe that we could afford something like this when we first saw you. The towering windows that let in so much light. The high ceilings, the french doors and beautiful working fireplace. The window in the bathroom. The character that hangs in the room like an expensive perfume after the wearer has left.

So much has happened in these walls; it's been a big year. Moving in, the giddiness of preparing for a wedding, the keen disappointment of having to postpone. And the waiting,

waiting,

waiting.

Living here when I kicked Daryl off to Brandon so that I could have some "condo-time." And maybe my favourite few stolen moments when we stopped by between the wedding and reception with our slurpees, climbed the stairs in our wedding garb, picked up our overnight bags, looked at everything so disheveled in the mayhem of wedding preparation and I thought, "this is our home."

And maybe you will be home to our new family, too. Maybe the groanings of birth will take place within these walls, and the joys of being new parents.

But maybe not. Please don't see it as a slight, but I really hope you sell before then.

I really, really hope.

puke

2009-11-16T11:55:00.004-06:00

Has anyone else seen this?

It kinds ticks me off. Maybe the fact that Americans feel that "it's not appropriate for an American president to bow to a foreign one" is the reason that Americans are so poorly thought of elsewhere in the world.

Was their president not visiting an emperor on his own soil? Was he not a guest in that country? Maybe it's a good idea to try an approach different from ages past?

I know this is terribly foreign to American politicians, but maybe a little humility is called for?

1+1=3?

2009-11-07T12:08:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, in reflective moments, I try to figure out why I fell in love with Daryl. Falling in love sounds too trite for what I mean, though. What about him, in particular, made me love him, out of everyone else? Is it emotional? Is it chemical? Is it personality? Is it spiritual? I don't know. I do know that there are moments when I am overwhelmed with thanks and praise that this man is my husband.

And now the two who became one will soon become three.

Oh, the excitement, and the joy, and the expectations, and the hope. But somewhere in there I lost Corrie and I don't know where she has gone. The hormones and the sickness and the sleepless nights and the tiredness made her leave, maybe. And I think all that is left is a vessel for baby. And all that is left is pre-natal vitamins, and getting enough milk, and vegetables, and protein, even when I don't feel like it. And no sugar, even when I really feel like it.

And I'm left with this little stranger who controls everything about me now, even what mood I'm in.

But I hear the old Corrie sometimes. Reminding me that she's still around. And reminding me that she doesn't know how it happened but she fell in love once, she can do it again.